Breakdown

Before going to sleep, I felt the urge to check on my timehop and this is what I saw...it reminded me again of the past 3 years which I feel has added 10 years to my life and has made me "old". It is our daughter and my kuya's tomb stone.  It sometimes irritates me how some parents attach a #dontgrowuptoofast to their darling child's photo. Be thankful how #blessed you are to have them by your side, I bitterly mumble to myself.  It pains me to think that I only managed to design and give Luna 3 things...The blanket I knitted for her while I was on bed rest, which I sorrowfully threw in with the flowers as her casket was being lowered to the grave. That tiny coffin Ana and Mandy made, which I sketched while I was still in the hospital recovering. And finally this tombstone, that I couldn't even find the right words to say so I got that paragraph from the internet. I guess all those meds have dulled my talent to make poetry. 

I had a meltdown the other day. I cried my heart out to Mark to release all the sorrow and self doubt. I feel so insecure of myself in all aspects of my life. I feel what I do isn't enough. I am so sick of being sick, of having to put my life on hold, then emerge as...as what? NOTHING! The world doesn't stop spinning just cause I was on bed rest! I look around and see how far others have gone and see that large gap between us.  I also see that I have no excuse. But why don't I feel that way? I have this huge lump on my chest screaming, can I please be a victim this time?!?? I am sick of being positive and all smiles. Why? Because a lot of people think it's easy! Hell, some think I do not have anything to do or have so much time on my plate. A little advice: Do not rely on what you see on facebook! If you're gonna judge me and have the time to tell me about it, take a minute to ask me first, "how are you kat?" Just like last sunday, I posted eating at 3 restaurants within the day. Looks like I had a wonderful lazy sunday right? In reality, Sunday morning was spent doing chores, got out around lunchtime, dropped by SM to buy a new router, visited my brother to see my nephew (this was possible because I knew there was a Wilcon near his place where I can do some work shopping), finally got to eat brunch/first meal of the day at around 2pm, went to Wilcon to shop (where I was infuriated by the lousy cashier that took an hour to process our payment) where we finished by 630pm. My rage was fueled even more coz the day was already over and it felt like that errand zapped the life out of me! I was ready to go home when Flip called and asked where we were so I decided to shake off the negativity and have dinner with them. I pushed for dessert coz I thought to myself, I need all the good juju I can have to keep me sane for the week to come. So when I do post on fb, it's to share restos, places or things to inform, show or make friends smile/laugh. I mean, I'd rather share that than give them something to stress about. Or, I think I shouldve asked Mark to video the chores and Wilcon incident to show on fb how frustratingly tiresome our Sunday was. How inspiring and hilarious is that??! Definitely not. 

As of this moment, my patience is thin. The anxiety and pressure are back, with withering understanding.  The chemo was a struggle, living life now is a fight. My emotions are going haywire, too much noise. But then again, I am looking forward to another breakdown so I can have a breakthrough. Bring it on!