I am awake

Today I am reminded that not everyone wins, not everyone survives...i dreamt that i was pregnant and lost a baby again. So i woke up this morning feeling sad and bothered. I couldn't quite shake off the feeling inspite of knowing it was just a terrible dream. As i check my phone and scroll down fb, i see sherwin's post. His sister, darlene, is already gone :(  She fought, conquered, fought again, but lost. I am now scared because i know i haven't been getting enough rest, keep on consuming crap, and lack exercise. I keep on telling myself that i'll start "tomorrow" but then days turned into months. This is most certainly a wake up call that I will not resist.

Distemper gets on my nerves!

Is it true that all dogs go to heaven? I hope so. Our Mischka has been sick for over a week now. He was brought to the vet last week and was diagnosed with distemper :( He was given a spine tap (?) which, they say, is the best remedy (sort of) for that. The vet said we should see results in a week. IF Mischka gets better after a week, then he's on his way to recovery BUT IF NOT, then it's goodbye :( I've seen this sickness on many dogs and knew it was fatal.  I scoured the internet in hopes of disproving my thoughts but was unsuccessful :( He has no appetite and couldn't walk steadily. It's like his rear legs just don't want to get up. Hope sparks whenever there's someone at the door and he suddenly lifts his head and barks...but when he tries to stand up, he stumbles and falls.  He totally doesn't like his dog food anymore. Move on to liver which I cooked with pepper and amino. He loved it for a day but then stopped eating it again.  He'd sit beside us on the dinner table and I'd give him my food.  Last night he liked the fried chicken we were having so I gave him half of my share.  The pizza crust and bread, he didn't like. He doesn't even drink water anymore so this I have to force feed with a syringe.  His eyes are full of gunk that I gently wipe away with a wet tissue.  I talk to him as if he understands.  I can't help but cry whenever I see him and that throbbing head, very common in dogs that have distemper.  I was mad at myself for getting another pet dog again, knowing they don't live that long even if they just die of old age.  Should've gotten a parrot or a turtle!  I heard they live way longer than us humans.  I cannot have this right now!!! It's just way too depressing :( 

Breakdown

Before going to sleep, I felt the urge to check on my timehop and this is what I saw...it reminded me again of the past 3 years which I feel has added 10 years to my life and has made me "old". It is our daughter and my kuya's tomb stone.  It sometimes irritates me how some parents attach a #dontgrowuptoofast to their darling child's photo. Be thankful how #blessed you are to have them by your side, I bitterly mumble to myself.  It pains me to think that I only managed to design and give Luna 3 things...The blanket I knitted for her while I was on bed rest, which I sorrowfully threw in with the flowers as her casket was being lowered to the grave. That tiny coffin Ana and Mandy made, which I sketched while I was still in the hospital recovering. And finally this tombstone, that I couldn't even find the right words to say so I got that paragraph from the internet. I guess all those meds have dulled my talent to make poetry. 

I had a meltdown the other day. I cried my heart out to Mark to release all the sorrow and self doubt. I feel so insecure of myself in all aspects of my life. I feel what I do isn't enough. I am so sick of being sick, of having to put my life on hold, then emerge as...as what? NOTHING! The world doesn't stop spinning just cause I was on bed rest! I look around and see how far others have gone and see that large gap between us.  I also see that I have no excuse. But why don't I feel that way? I have this huge lump on my chest screaming, can I please be a victim this time?!?? I am sick of being positive and all smiles. Why? Because a lot of people think it's easy! Hell, some think I do not have anything to do or have so much time on my plate. A little advice: Do not rely on what you see on facebook! If you're gonna judge me and have the time to tell me about it, take a minute to ask me first, "how are you kat?" Just like last sunday, I posted eating at 3 restaurants within the day. Looks like I had a wonderful lazy sunday right? In reality, Sunday morning was spent doing chores, got out around lunchtime, dropped by SM to buy a new router, visited my brother to see my nephew (this was possible because I knew there was a Wilcon near his place where I can do some work shopping), finally got to eat brunch/first meal of the day at around 2pm, went to Wilcon to shop (where I was infuriated by the lousy cashier that took an hour to process our payment) where we finished by 630pm. My rage was fueled even more coz the day was already over and it felt like that errand zapped the life out of me! I was ready to go home when Flip called and asked where we were so I decided to shake off the negativity and have dinner with them. I pushed for dessert coz I thought to myself, I need all the good juju I can have to keep me sane for the week to come. So when I do post on fb, it's to share restos, places or things to inform, show or make friends smile/laugh. I mean, I'd rather share that than give them something to stress about. Or, I think I shouldve asked Mark to video the chores and Wilcon incident to show on fb how frustratingly tiresome our Sunday was. How inspiring and hilarious is that??! Definitely not. 

As of this moment, my patience is thin. The anxiety and pressure are back, with withering understanding.  The chemo was a struggle, living life now is a fight. My emotions are going haywire, too much noise. But then again, I am looking forward to another breakdown so I can have a breakthrough. Bring it on!

Fatify the AnorexiKat

As I was bending to reach clothes on the lower shelf of my closet this morning, I realised it was so easy...effortless!  I suddenly remember last year when it was such a pain to reach that lower shelf.  I was already contemplating on having my closet reconstructed, cursing the contractor that sold us this house for such a lousy closet layout.  Now those days are gone.  I realise it was the weight I gained, specifically that big midsection.  Maybe it was the lack of exercise or chemo side effects, maybe.  Regardless of what the reason was, I am happy that I've trimmed down to the 140s (lbs) and size 10.  I feel great whenever my shorts start falling off, hahaha!  This only means I get to go down another size :D  I've been a shopaholic my entire adult life but one section of that stopped early this year.  After doing my spring cleaning and deciding which clothes to keep and give away, I divided what I was left behind into 3 groups: NOW SHOWING, NEXT ATTRACTION and COMING SOON...ones that I wear NOW, the transition clothes that I wear as I lose the weight, then finally the clothes that I had when I was my ideal weight.  I'd tell everyone that I'm off shopping for clothes whenever we're out, I do my shopping in our guest room where my old clothes are stashed away :)  Disclaimer (since I know some friends and family will react):  this does not keep me from getting new shoes, bags and accessories ;)  

2014

I got sad when I saw my old clothes, seeing how big I've become.  I also finally admitted to myself that I was indeed anorexic before.  Even if I was so thin, I saw myself as fat whenever I'd look at the mirror.  I was always on a diet, trying to shed another 5 pounds or dress size.  Wearing that body and clothes looked nice, but I doubt if my doctor's test results would've looked the same.  Back then, I was always feeling something bad...head aches, tummy aches, eye strain, etc.  I always had a stash of medicine in my purse for whatever emergency type of pain I was feeling.  It was the diet, the lifestyle, the bad habits.  Definitely not good!

2015

I told Flip that I wasn't losing much weight but my clothes are falling off.  She said don't mind the weight, going down a dress size or two means that your getting fit.  Then Mark suggested, why not get one item of clothing from your coming soon stash and let that be your peg.  When that fits perfectly, then you've reached your ideal weight/size.  That was a good idea but I had a more visual peg in mind.  My goal isn't to "fit" perfectly into some dress, because honestly, a good dress can hide all those flaws.  I want that bikini body I once had!  I wanna be able to go to the beach anytime and wear a bikini without having to cover it up with a kimono or top.  The shorts and bikini I wore on this photo fit me now BUT it doesn't look the same, the curve is replaced with bulges =O So really, Mark's suggestion does not apply :( 

I am healthily inching my way towards that goal.  I try not to lose my patience because I am aware there is a fast and proven way to achieve it.  I've tried and tested it, but no, not anymore.  That was the old me.

It doesn't matter how slow, I will get there.  I visited my doctor 2 weeks ago and she was a little alarmed that I lost 8 lbs since january.  I go "Huh?  Is that bad?"  Maybe I just look thinner than I weigh.  She said, as long as I lose the weight through exercise and proper diet it's fine, but not too much.  We don't wanna stress my body.  Oh, and that's another thing we talked about...When I went to the doctor I had a cold and felt like I was about to get the flu.  I didn't get much or no sleep at all 2 days before going to the doctor because I was working on a design presentation.  I told her this and she said I need to get some rest.  When I stress my body, my immune system goes down and that's bad because I'm prone to several diseases and illnesses.  On the way home, Mark and I were talking about this definition of stress.  Apparently, stress on the body is making it work overtime.  It's not just about the psychological, emotional and mental state of being.  So even if I wasn't feeling stressed while working on my presentation, I was stressing my body because it was was past bedtime.  So just because you're having fun doing something, doesn't mean you're not stressing your body.  Then I go to Mark, "Just like when you're drinking alcohol and having fun, it feels ok because it relieves mental stress BUT it stresses your liver and other organs".  Ugh, stress, in general, is such an ugly thing.       

    

All Selfish

 We are all selfish bastards. For every action we make, there is a certain need, purpose, or want that is satisfied...and more often than not, this is our own. I am tired of cleaning the house and fixing things. Well, other people don't seem to mind, but I cringe at the sight of all that fur from the dogs that I choose to clean it. I don't like eating junk food or fast food so I prefer to cook my own meals. I am very keen on designing homes, making sure the measurements are right so I do that myself too. Seeing how critical I am about certain things, I stop myself from complaining of all these tedious tasks. In a perfect world, I would like to clone myself so while the other me does all the chores the way I want them done, I can focus on the other things that do not feel like work. 

On top of the personal preferences, there's self image that I think is based on how others see us. There are days that I'd love to go out without having to spend so much time on my hair and figuring out what to wear. Or times that I have to be at an event and be all smiles even when I don't feel like it. Sometimes I say I'm doing it for other people, to make them happy, hence the effort. Am I? Reeeeally??? When all that becomes an effort, I think it becomes insincere. It turns from "I wanna do this from the bottom of my heart" to "I'll do this so they'll be proud of me" or "I'm not a flaker" or "I'll show them I'm strong", etc. I'm not saying this is wrong. I'm actually having this dialogue with myself so I don't complain and realize that I ALWAYS have a choice in whatever I do or say. And it's about being able to live with those choices...may it be a dirty kitchen or an angry friend. 

It's such an irony that being selfish shows how much I care, for others and myself...When selfishly looking good for others so they'll be happy, and, well, self preservation.  I say this because I remember the time I was recovering from my surgery. It was the first (and hopefully the last) time I went under the knife. The pain was terrible! I had a catheter, a sort of wire on my back for the morphine, and a healing incision under my navel that's about 4" long. It was very uncomfortable and to top it off, the morphine was making me dizzy and nauseous! I couldn't eat. I'd throw up after 2 sips of soup. And that pain in my belly, twas like dysmenorrhea plus gas plus ulcer plus IBS times 10! I really wanted to die or sleep until the pain was gone. I didn't want visitors because I knew I couldn't fake it. I didn't want to. I didn't have the energy to deal with the pain and smile, chat or be hospitable to guests. I didn't even care to look at my phone and the internet for days (a miracle in this day and time;)). I didn't care if my hair was all tangled up and haven't taken a bath in days. I didn't care if male doctors saw my private parts. I just didn't care about how I looked like to other people. All I cared about was having the pain taken away, fast! 

Is Azure Paradise an impossible dream?

It takes a certain amount of patience to deal with people, circumstance and events that I naturally do not have. I easily get irritated and annoyed with a lot of things that contribute to my stress. It is something I'm constantly trying to address these days since people always remind me to keep away from stress! On one side, there are things I release (or explode is more like it) right away because I realized it's better to let it all out rather than carry it as a burdening grudge over my shoulder. This could very well apply to family, a friend or someone who I feel has done me wrong. I will either instantly scream, argue or ignore this person just so the message is clear: I AM MAD AT YOU. Oftentimes this goes to pass right away but on instances that it doesn't and I am obligated to make amends, I will wait for the perfect time to talk to this person, with a sort of editted version of what I wanna say just to ease the blow. Left raw, my words cut like a knife and hurt like hell, as some people have told me. So yeah, my silence truly is golden, treasure it and the amount of self control I put into it for your own good. That said, I admire Mark for being so diplomatic all the time. Hopefully, I can acquire that trait from him through time. One conversation with Raeann got me thinking. She said she's like diesel, it takes some time before a conversation or event gets to her.  There are times when she'd get furious a day or two after because she realized she should've said this or that.  I'm somehow the same but it's okay. There are matters that could've gotten worst if I didn't bite my tongue.  It is truly wise to choose my battles and be polite rather than carrying a mouth filled with verbal diarrhea. So excuse me if that day comes that I do lash out at you. It only means that you probably consumed all my patience! Strike three!

Some of this comes from a meeting I had with fellow Azure unit owners and the others came from, well, others.  I am thankful for those that see our efforts to help Azure become a peaceful and happy community. I am thankful for those who understand that we are not employees, nor are we getting paid for these efforts. We are neither pro PMO, pro STL, nor anti STL, etc. We are just here to facilitate. Because, in a nutshell, this really just started out as me being outraged with how unfair the PMO has been, together with the poor security and concierge. As of now, everyone thinks we are pro-STL ONLY. So here comes everyone else trying to sabotage our efforts, screaming at the top of their lungs, being rude, complaining that we're not doing our jobs?? What?!??? Well excuse me, it is EVERYONE's business to make an effort with us to make OUR COMMUNITY pleasant. Creating further turmoil doesn't help our cause nor does it help solve issues. Now that we are aware of the problems, can we please move forward and come up with helpful solutions? Is it really impossible? 

Read My Blog

I received 2 insulting compliments in this lifetime that I will never forget: One was from Aaron, "Akala ko dati blonde ka", and the other from Mark, "For a person who doesn't read, you make a lot of sense".  The comment from Aaron was a half compliment coz it meant I was pretty BUT the downside was the underlying meaning of blonde...d-u-m-b!  Then goes Mark's comment.  I didn't see anything wrong with it at first but when I told Sandy about it, there came her violent reaction, then Mark bashing.  Hahaha!  In both cases, I saw the positive side of what these 2 people realised about me.  It may have taken months or even years for them to see but I'm happy they saw the real me.  I am not a chatterbox.  I often find it tiresome to talk and talk.  I sometimes find some topics lame or redundant that I'd rather not engage and waste my energy.  It's always easier to just be funny and chill when hanging out with people.  On one of the times I was featured on TV, my dad commented on how talkative I was.  Well of course I talked my heart out, the host kept asking me questions that I needed to expound on :)  I will talk non stop if needed or when I see fit...Now that's where the problem lies!  When talking with people, I sometimes get lazy all of a sudden then ask someone else to tell the story for me ("Ma, tell them bout the time we went to Caliraya" or "Mark, tell them what happened when we got to the hospital") or wait for everyone else to arrive so I don't have to keep on repeating myself.  Then there comes prejudice that maybe he won't understand this or maybe she already knows that.  I guess that's the charm blogging has on me...I type it once, then I can tell people to just read it.  If they want more info, they can ask me and I'd be delighted to explain and give a (boring) detailed account of what has transpired.