Negative results = Good vibes

Have I been a good girl the past few months?  I am guilty of some late nights, unhealthy food and lack of exercise...so I dreaded the results of my tests.  My last check up was in August 2014.  I thought the next check up was 6 months after, but apparently, it should've been after 3.  So, come my first checkup after a looooong time, Dra. Cocos asked me to get some tests done: pap smear, ultrasound, sonomammogram, and ca125.  I managed to get the pap, ultra and ca125 done within the day.  I had to wait for a couple of days to get the sono done since the technician wasn't there that day.  Instant gratification with the ultrasound and sono coz they told me right there and then that I'm okay and there's nothing to worry about.  It was my first time to get a sonomammogram and they kept asking me if I've had a mammogram before...Never.  They kept on saying that I should get a mammogram first before getting the sono, but when I showed the doctor's request, they gave me the song anyway.  It was my first time so I didn't know what it was.  It's just like ultrasound but focusing on the breast.  She put some gel and basically thoroughly scanned my chest area.  From the left armpit, up and down, to the breasts, to the right armpit.  I was very relaxed because the technician was a lady and was talking to me.  Although I'd get scared whenever she paused at an area, stop talking, and ogled at the screen.  After she was done, she said, "You're clear.  There's nothing to worry about." Whew, that's a relief!  I was happy and didn't mind having sticky breasts after! Hahaha!

We came back a week after to get my dreaded ca125 results and meet with Dra. Cocos again but when we got there, the results weren't ready yet.  It got held up because of the long weekend when the Pope arrived.  Another week passed (which is today), we came back.  Mark and I were half wishing the result wasn't there yet but when the lady handed it to us and I saw my score, we sort of shrieked a little and giddily went out of the lab.  

I really didn't worry about the pap smear results because I didn't realize how important it was until Dra. Cocos read the results to us.  I thought it was just one of those tests that women regularly have to see if they have yeast infection or something.  Yeah, that's how ignorant I am about these things because once upon a time I hated going to the doctor/hospital to have myself checked.  It's never too late.  Fortunately, the pap results were very good as well!!!  So we were all very happy.  I felt like a million bucks!

What next? Clarifying every how many months do we really need to go back for a check up. We settled at 4.  Dra.'s parting reminders: stay away from meat and sweets!  She never gave me any maintenance meds or supplements after my last chemo because she'd always say, "kumakain ka naman"...hahaha, pretty obvious with the figure and fb posts I guess.

I still can't get over my ca125 score. It feels like getting a 1.00 grade in UP, that's how I feel!  Now, how do I maintain it?  I feel so inspired to get a lower score that as soon as we got to the grocery from the hospital, I loaded up on veggies and fruits.  I feel so energized that I'm looking forward to exercising tomorrow morning.  And yeah, I'm ready to give up beef and pork again.  Wattaday!  :)

     

Think Big, Do big (proust questionnaire part 1)

Before the onset of the long weekend, I was working on this post when water spilled all over my laptop!  I was furious that I had to redo this, but thankful that I was only on question number 2.  Nikki forwarded this questionnaire to me months ago and I find that now is the perfect time to answer it…

My idea of perfect happiness is the absence of everything I hate or dislike.  It is not a perfect ending or summit to be reached at one point of my life.  Instead, it is any given moment that everything seems perfect to me.  It can be as simple as time alone in my room, temperature just right, no worries, and no physical pains.  It can also be moments of laughter with Mark and Xavi or a sumptuous lunch at Tagaytay with mama and papa.  It doesn’t have to be picture perfect either.  It can be celebrating the end of my chemo sessions with family and friends…inspite of my baldness and weight gain.  I guess it’s a frame of mind.  I used to think perfect happiness would come when I’ve achieved all my goals: a successful career, a house, a car, getting married, having children, and so on…but I realized life is just too short.  Why wait for that tomorrow that might never come?  Why wait to achieve this or have that just to be happy?  Live in the now!  Perfect happiness need not be so grand, it can be as simple as taking a looong shower after playing badminton. 

My greatest fear was crossing narrow bridges…I still fear it, but it’s definitely not the greatest.  My greatest fear is death.  This isn’t about fear of what the afterlife has to offer, but fear of what will happen to those I leave behind.  I am scared of what will happen to Xavi when I’m gone.  I want to see him graduate college and get accepted in his first job.  I wanna be there for him if he gets his heart broken or needs to nurse a bad hangover.  I wanna see his perfect happiness unfold.  I want to be there to support and take care of him until the time he can really stand on his own.  This comes from imagining how my life would’ve been without the support of my parents.  I am so grateful they’re still young and in good health.  I don’t know how I could’ve gone through the past few years without them.

I hate my tongue…it can go on and on and say the most hurtful things.  I used to think it was my temper but I realized that I can get pissed and not lash out at the people around me.  I can blow off steam in other ways that do not involve others…workout, walk out, cook, a LOT of other things except nag and talk.

I used to hate slow people, with some exceptions of course (like pwd’s and senior citizens).  This usually occurs in restaurants, cashiers, slow cars, etc. especially when I see there’s no reason to be slow.  I am impatient that way.  Mark and I have this mantra, we do not line up for food.  Number one, it’s a waste of time.  Number two, we’re here to spend money on your restaurant/establishment and this is the first thing (bad service) we get?  Forget it.  But now, what I hate most about some people is their incapacity to be sensitive.  Having gone through the past 2 years, I’ve had a lot of emotional and psychological lows.  Hearing insensitive things hurt me, then make me angry.  How can you tell me I’m fat instead of say how glad you are that I survived chemo?  How can you tell me that we lost Luna because we weren’t married yet, and God hasn’t blessed our union??  Ugh!

I used to admire my lola when I was younger.  Seeing how she raised 4 kids on her own (my lolo died when my youngest aunt was still a baby), put them in good schools, managed her own business, and was still glamorous.  All this faded away when I got older, realizing that success doesn’t equate to happiness.  To me, it doesn’t matter how successful a person is or how many friends he has if he has bad relationships with his family.  This is a deal breaker.  I believe that if I can’t get along with my family (the people I’ve lived with since I was a child), then something’s wrong with me.  If I can’t get along with them, chances are, I won’t be able to get along and live with other people.  Of all the people I know, I admire Mela.  She has shown me that you don’t have to go through all the crap I went through to be understanding and sensitive.  You don’t need to get married and have a child to be responsible for other people.  You don’t need to be greedy even if you’re ambitious.  She is strong to a point that I want her to cry sometimes, just coz she deserves to have a break and I want to be on the receiving end for a change! Hahaha J

I used to splurge on designer bags as a form of investment but now I challenge myself to bigger things.  My greatest extravagance right now is getting a new car.  We don’t really need it coz we already have 3, and my other car is fairly new.  So why get this car?  To me it’s a symbol of career growth.  Living comfortably and having everything we need makes me lax.  Seeing this new car will remind me of the monthly payment and urge me to work more.

I am currently ‘’thinking big”.  Thinking of ways to make more money, more happiness, more quality time, more ways to live a fuller life.  I used to distance myself from stress, so I went for simpler and little things.  But I still got the big C.  So now it’s time to be more responsible and disciplined, it’s time to grow up.   

Sick & Tired

As I was walking away from the MAC service center, I wanted to start sobbing and screaming! I was so frustrated, pissed, harassed, and just sick and tired of being hassled again with something I didn't do! Many times have I ended up taking responsibility, dealing with/fixing, and suffering the mess of other people! I really hate it!!! Being stuck with the inconvenience, and moreso, the bill!  Today it's my laptop being drenched in water. Even if it's so darn easy to get a new one, I need all my files!  That will take 96 hours before I can open my laptop again and, hopefully, still retrieve it.  This is my livelihood here, not just photos or silly games!  If I leave it with the repair shop, that'll still take atleast a week.  I keep on gritting my teeth and breathing deeply just so I won't burst into tears or rage. I'm already getting a headache and some muscle cramps. I have this weird tendency to tighten my calves or feet when I'm holding my anger in.  Thoughts flashing in my mind: the presentation I need for Monday, files of my new clients, bills I need to pay, credit card, car, workhours spent on tons of designs in the past, etc.  Then I zone in to "car"...A couple of years ago, my car got totalled.  And yeah, not by me.  It was such a pain coz I had to endure the loss of that car!  Slower moving or even declining some projects, having to commute, checking on the car, having a terrible repairshop since I didn't have that much money to have it fixed.  I super hated it!  Since then I vowed not to borrow other people's car unless I can afford to totally pay for it and have a replacement incase something bad happens.  It seems that some people take forgranted or even fail to grasp that I am REALLY inconvenienced and even lose income because of these things.  I am tired of the lack of consideration.  Or maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should whine and complain more so as not to give the impression that everything's so darn easy!  My work is "easy" because I love doing it and I manage my time and resources well.  I like looking at it as part of my life and not just some task or job I have to do.  That's why I'd gladly say, "I went shopping today" or "stayed up all night finishing a design", as if it's for myself. Instead of whining about the traffic, lugging around tons of stuff in a mall, not having enough sleep, I choose to see the nice things about what I do. I've lived by what my dad told me a looooong time ago: "Work smart, not work hard".  I believe that if I plan everything well enough, this is possible.  So if I wanted less workdays in a week, I'd visit several sites in a day and even save on gas and toll.  When I had to finish several commitments one Christmas season, I hired a driver to save time finding parking between locations.  I delegate, even if it means less or no profit for me.  Working smart doesn't mean giving a half assed job.  It's about being practical and efficient.  So yeah, if I have a lot of time on my hands, it's not because I have nothing to do but because I set it up that way.  I learned early on that I need some quiet/lazy time when I can regroup.  That's why I often cram and set all work on consecutive days so I'll have nothing to think about after that.  I hate it when people just dump stuff for me to do as if I have nothing on my plate, making sudden plans like I don't have a life.  I am freelance but I do have deadlines too you know.  Maybe they don't think of me that way but it feels like that when I already have an hourly schedule planned for the next couple of days.  Whoa! What a release! I feel a little better now.  I think my real problem is saying "NO" or asking for help.  That if I refuse, they'd think I don't know how to manage my schedule.  If I ask for help, I can't be relied on or irresponsible.  If I whine, I'm weak, dumb or unresourceful. Enough looking good for now, I need a break!

Forgive & Forget

The song goes, time heals all wounds…i beg to disagree!  Some people say I am unforgiving and carry much grudges.  What is forgiveness really?  What does it mean?  Forgive and forget?  Apology accepted?  Being civil?  Flashing a smile at the other person?  Befriending them on Facebook?  I don't really know any real formula here.  It's a mix of a lot of different things.  To me, it's how I felt at the time it happened.  My chemo was miraculously easy, so I tend to forget about some details and that I was ever that sick.  So I've been carelessly enjoying the holiday season, feasting on sweets, junk food, staying up late, and even having some alcohol.  And now that my check up is near, I again fear of what results my blood test will show.  Post chemo, I was tremendously hurt by some close relatives.  Now THAT, I haven't forgotten nor forgiven just yet.  I was ready to boycott X'mas eve dinner and fortunately enough, they weren't here for the holidays.  I guess the universe has a way of altering things for me nowadays just to avoid turmoil and confrontation.  There was also someone I didn't want to invite to the wedding that became a large issue because it wasn't dealt with properly.  Sometimes, it shows lack of breeding and being the bigger person but honestly, why should I suffer in my own wedding  by bending over backwards just to be nice to someone who clearly hates me?  Why should I be uncomfortable in a place or event that's supposedly for our enjoyment?  I recently thought about 'forgiving' these people to start the year right.  To let bygones be bygones and have no ill-feeling whatsoever.  But during this process, I was actually suffering more because I didn't feel I was ready to let go.  I was torturing myself by making me think that I am wrong and that i should be the bigger person and be ok with everything. To be understanding, giving, and forgiving.  But I can't.  I think I need an apology or even a small sign of being sorry for what they did.  And besides, as long as I don't need to see or deal with them, I'm fine.  It's not like I'm carrying the burden on my back everyday.  Like Lily in How I Met Your Mother, I've coined the line, "you're dead to me".  It simply means, in my world, I'd like to believe that you do not exist.  When I told Mark about this dilemma, he assured me that I was doing fine.  If letting go of those sentiments are making me suffer, then maybe it's not yet time.  There have been a lot circumstances like this in my life.  Friendships lost, then found again, while others lost forever.  I sometimes get furious at someone then, like a goldfish, forget about whatever it was and it's back to normal.  There's a certain line between being irritated or pissed and being hurt.  And I've seen that I get "hurt" when I'm disrespected in any way: disloyalty, backstabbing, lying, etc.  I find it more stressful to "keep enemies closer" so I just throw them as far away as possible.

I talk about this now coz I realize how important every minute of my life is.  It's not the same as being in good terms with everyone just to have a clean slate, but truly having a wonderful time with those who are willing to share that same experience with me.  I don't wanna waste time and space on things and people that harm me.  Time to let go of my outdated views, and therefore, expectations on family.  Keep, donate, throw...I guess my spring cleaning overextended to the people in my life, haha!