Distemper gets on my nerves!

Is it true that all dogs go to heaven? I hope so. Our Mischka has been sick for over a week now. He was brought to the vet last week and was diagnosed with distemper :( He was given a spine tap (?) which, they say, is the best remedy (sort of) for that. The vet said we should see results in a week. IF Mischka gets better after a week, then he's on his way to recovery BUT IF NOT, then it's goodbye :( I've seen this sickness on many dogs and knew it was fatal.  I scoured the internet in hopes of disproving my thoughts but was unsuccessful :( He has no appetite and couldn't walk steadily. It's like his rear legs just don't want to get up. Hope sparks whenever there's someone at the door and he suddenly lifts his head and barks...but when he tries to stand up, he stumbles and falls.  He totally doesn't like his dog food anymore. Move on to liver which I cooked with pepper and amino. He loved it for a day but then stopped eating it again.  He'd sit beside us on the dinner table and I'd give him my food.  Last night he liked the fried chicken we were having so I gave him half of my share.  The pizza crust and bread, he didn't like. He doesn't even drink water anymore so this I have to force feed with a syringe.  His eyes are full of gunk that I gently wipe away with a wet tissue.  I talk to him as if he understands.  I can't help but cry whenever I see him and that throbbing head, very common in dogs that have distemper.  I was mad at myself for getting another pet dog again, knowing they don't live that long even if they just die of old age.  Should've gotten a parrot or a turtle!  I heard they live way longer than us humans.  I cannot have this right now!!! It's just way too depressing :( 

Breakdown

Before going to sleep, I felt the urge to check on my timehop and this is what I saw...it reminded me again of the past 3 years which I feel has added 10 years to my life and has made me "old". It is our daughter and my kuya's tomb stone.  It sometimes irritates me how some parents attach a #dontgrowuptoofast to their darling child's photo. Be thankful how #blessed you are to have them by your side, I bitterly mumble to myself.  It pains me to think that I only managed to design and give Luna 3 things...The blanket I knitted for her while I was on bed rest, which I sorrowfully threw in with the flowers as her casket was being lowered to the grave. That tiny coffin Ana and Mandy made, which I sketched while I was still in the hospital recovering. And finally this tombstone, that I couldn't even find the right words to say so I got that paragraph from the internet. I guess all those meds have dulled my talent to make poetry. 

I had a meltdown the other day. I cried my heart out to Mark to release all the sorrow and self doubt. I feel so insecure of myself in all aspects of my life. I feel what I do isn't enough. I am so sick of being sick, of having to put my life on hold, then emerge as...as what? NOTHING! The world doesn't stop spinning just cause I was on bed rest! I look around and see how far others have gone and see that large gap between us.  I also see that I have no excuse. But why don't I feel that way? I have this huge lump on my chest screaming, can I please be a victim this time?!?? I am sick of being positive and all smiles. Why? Because a lot of people think it's easy! Hell, some think I do not have anything to do or have so much time on my plate. A little advice: Do not rely on what you see on facebook! If you're gonna judge me and have the time to tell me about it, take a minute to ask me first, "how are you kat?" Just like last sunday, I posted eating at 3 restaurants within the day. Looks like I had a wonderful lazy sunday right? In reality, Sunday morning was spent doing chores, got out around lunchtime, dropped by SM to buy a new router, visited my brother to see my nephew (this was possible because I knew there was a Wilcon near his place where I can do some work shopping), finally got to eat brunch/first meal of the day at around 2pm, went to Wilcon to shop (where I was infuriated by the lousy cashier that took an hour to process our payment) where we finished by 630pm. My rage was fueled even more coz the day was already over and it felt like that errand zapped the life out of me! I was ready to go home when Flip called and asked where we were so I decided to shake off the negativity and have dinner with them. I pushed for dessert coz I thought to myself, I need all the good juju I can have to keep me sane for the week to come. So when I do post on fb, it's to share restos, places or things to inform, show or make friends smile/laugh. I mean, I'd rather share that than give them something to stress about. Or, I think I shouldve asked Mark to video the chores and Wilcon incident to show on fb how frustratingly tiresome our Sunday was. How inspiring and hilarious is that??! Definitely not. 

As of this moment, my patience is thin. The anxiety and pressure are back, with withering understanding.  The chemo was a struggle, living life now is a fight. My emotions are going haywire, too much noise. But then again, I am looking forward to another breakdown so I can have a breakthrough. Bring it on!

Fatify the AnorexiKat

As I was bending to reach clothes on the lower shelf of my closet this morning, I realised it was so easy...effortless!  I suddenly remember last year when it was such a pain to reach that lower shelf.  I was already contemplating on having my closet reconstructed, cursing the contractor that sold us this house for such a lousy closet layout.  Now those days are gone.  I realise it was the weight I gained, specifically that big midsection.  Maybe it was the lack of exercise or chemo side effects, maybe.  Regardless of what the reason was, I am happy that I've trimmed down to the 140s (lbs) and size 10.  I feel great whenever my shorts start falling off, hahaha!  This only means I get to go down another size :D  I've been a shopaholic my entire adult life but one section of that stopped early this year.  After doing my spring cleaning and deciding which clothes to keep and give away, I divided what I was left behind into 3 groups: NOW SHOWING, NEXT ATTRACTION and COMING SOON...ones that I wear NOW, the transition clothes that I wear as I lose the weight, then finally the clothes that I had when I was my ideal weight.  I'd tell everyone that I'm off shopping for clothes whenever we're out, I do my shopping in our guest room where my old clothes are stashed away :)  Disclaimer (since I know some friends and family will react):  this does not keep me from getting new shoes, bags and accessories ;)  

2014

I got sad when I saw my old clothes, seeing how big I've become.  I also finally admitted to myself that I was indeed anorexic before.  Even if I was so thin, I saw myself as fat whenever I'd look at the mirror.  I was always on a diet, trying to shed another 5 pounds or dress size.  Wearing that body and clothes looked nice, but I doubt if my doctor's test results would've looked the same.  Back then, I was always feeling something bad...head aches, tummy aches, eye strain, etc.  I always had a stash of medicine in my purse for whatever emergency type of pain I was feeling.  It was the diet, the lifestyle, the bad habits.  Definitely not good!

2015

I told Flip that I wasn't losing much weight but my clothes are falling off.  She said don't mind the weight, going down a dress size or two means that your getting fit.  Then Mark suggested, why not get one item of clothing from your coming soon stash and let that be your peg.  When that fits perfectly, then you've reached your ideal weight/size.  That was a good idea but I had a more visual peg in mind.  My goal isn't to "fit" perfectly into some dress, because honestly, a good dress can hide all those flaws.  I want that bikini body I once had!  I wanna be able to go to the beach anytime and wear a bikini without having to cover it up with a kimono or top.  The shorts and bikini I wore on this photo fit me now BUT it doesn't look the same, the curve is replaced with bulges =O So really, Mark's suggestion does not apply :( 

I am healthily inching my way towards that goal.  I try not to lose my patience because I am aware there is a fast and proven way to achieve it.  I've tried and tested it, but no, not anymore.  That was the old me.

It doesn't matter how slow, I will get there.  I visited my doctor 2 weeks ago and she was a little alarmed that I lost 8 lbs since january.  I go "Huh?  Is that bad?"  Maybe I just look thinner than I weigh.  She said, as long as I lose the weight through exercise and proper diet it's fine, but not too much.  We don't wanna stress my body.  Oh, and that's another thing we talked about...When I went to the doctor I had a cold and felt like I was about to get the flu.  I didn't get much or no sleep at all 2 days before going to the doctor because I was working on a design presentation.  I told her this and she said I need to get some rest.  When I stress my body, my immune system goes down and that's bad because I'm prone to several diseases and illnesses.  On the way home, Mark and I were talking about this definition of stress.  Apparently, stress on the body is making it work overtime.  It's not just about the psychological, emotional and mental state of being.  So even if I wasn't feeling stressed while working on my presentation, I was stressing my body because it was was past bedtime.  So just because you're having fun doing something, doesn't mean you're not stressing your body.  Then I go to Mark, "Just like when you're drinking alcohol and having fun, it feels ok because it relieves mental stress BUT it stresses your liver and other organs".  Ugh, stress, in general, is such an ugly thing.       

    

All Selfish

 We are all selfish bastards. For every action we make, there is a certain need, purpose, or want that is satisfied...and more often than not, this is our own. I am tired of cleaning the house and fixing things. Well, other people don't seem to mind, but I cringe at the sight of all that fur from the dogs that I choose to clean it. I don't like eating junk food or fast food so I prefer to cook my own meals. I am very keen on designing homes, making sure the measurements are right so I do that myself too. Seeing how critical I am about certain things, I stop myself from complaining of all these tedious tasks. In a perfect world, I would like to clone myself so while the other me does all the chores the way I want them done, I can focus on the other things that do not feel like work. 

On top of the personal preferences, there's self image that I think is based on how others see us. There are days that I'd love to go out without having to spend so much time on my hair and figuring out what to wear. Or times that I have to be at an event and be all smiles even when I don't feel like it. Sometimes I say I'm doing it for other people, to make them happy, hence the effort. Am I? Reeeeally??? When all that becomes an effort, I think it becomes insincere. It turns from "I wanna do this from the bottom of my heart" to "I'll do this so they'll be proud of me" or "I'm not a flaker" or "I'll show them I'm strong", etc. I'm not saying this is wrong. I'm actually having this dialogue with myself so I don't complain and realize that I ALWAYS have a choice in whatever I do or say. And it's about being able to live with those choices...may it be a dirty kitchen or an angry friend. 

It's such an irony that being selfish shows how much I care, for others and myself...When selfishly looking good for others so they'll be happy, and, well, self preservation.  I say this because I remember the time I was recovering from my surgery. It was the first (and hopefully the last) time I went under the knife. The pain was terrible! I had a catheter, a sort of wire on my back for the morphine, and a healing incision under my navel that's about 4" long. It was very uncomfortable and to top it off, the morphine was making me dizzy and nauseous! I couldn't eat. I'd throw up after 2 sips of soup. And that pain in my belly, twas like dysmenorrhea plus gas plus ulcer plus IBS times 10! I really wanted to die or sleep until the pain was gone. I didn't want visitors because I knew I couldn't fake it. I didn't want to. I didn't have the energy to deal with the pain and smile, chat or be hospitable to guests. I didn't even care to look at my phone and the internet for days (a miracle in this day and time;)). I didn't care if my hair was all tangled up and haven't taken a bath in days. I didn't care if male doctors saw my private parts. I just didn't care about how I looked like to other people. All I cared about was having the pain taken away, fast! 

Is Azure Paradise an impossible dream?

It takes a certain amount of patience to deal with people, circumstance and events that I naturally do not have. I easily get irritated and annoyed with a lot of things that contribute to my stress. It is something I'm constantly trying to address these days since people always remind me to keep away from stress! On one side, there are things I release (or explode is more like it) right away because I realized it's better to let it all out rather than carry it as a burdening grudge over my shoulder. This could very well apply to family, a friend or someone who I feel has done me wrong. I will either instantly scream, argue or ignore this person just so the message is clear: I AM MAD AT YOU. Oftentimes this goes to pass right away but on instances that it doesn't and I am obligated to make amends, I will wait for the perfect time to talk to this person, with a sort of editted version of what I wanna say just to ease the blow. Left raw, my words cut like a knife and hurt like hell, as some people have told me. So yeah, my silence truly is golden, treasure it and the amount of self control I put into it for your own good. That said, I admire Mark for being so diplomatic all the time. Hopefully, I can acquire that trait from him through time. One conversation with Raeann got me thinking. She said she's like diesel, it takes some time before a conversation or event gets to her.  There are times when she'd get furious a day or two after because she realized she should've said this or that.  I'm somehow the same but it's okay. There are matters that could've gotten worst if I didn't bite my tongue.  It is truly wise to choose my battles and be polite rather than carrying a mouth filled with verbal diarrhea. So excuse me if that day comes that I do lash out at you. It only means that you probably consumed all my patience! Strike three!

Some of this comes from a meeting I had with fellow Azure unit owners and the others came from, well, others.  I am thankful for those that see our efforts to help Azure become a peaceful and happy community. I am thankful for those who understand that we are not employees, nor are we getting paid for these efforts. We are neither pro PMO, pro STL, nor anti STL, etc. We are just here to facilitate. Because, in a nutshell, this really just started out as me being outraged with how unfair the PMO has been, together with the poor security and concierge. As of now, everyone thinks we are pro-STL ONLY. So here comes everyone else trying to sabotage our efforts, screaming at the top of their lungs, being rude, complaining that we're not doing our jobs?? What?!??? Well excuse me, it is EVERYONE's business to make an effort with us to make OUR COMMUNITY pleasant. Creating further turmoil doesn't help our cause nor does it help solve issues. Now that we are aware of the problems, can we please move forward and come up with helpful solutions? Is it really impossible? 

Read My Blog

I received 2 insulting compliments in this lifetime that I will never forget: One was from Aaron, "Akala ko dati blonde ka", and the other from Mark, "For a person who doesn't read, you make a lot of sense".  The comment from Aaron was a half compliment coz it meant I was pretty BUT the downside was the underlying meaning of blonde...d-u-m-b!  Then goes Mark's comment.  I didn't see anything wrong with it at first but when I told Sandy about it, there came her violent reaction, then Mark bashing.  Hahaha!  In both cases, I saw the positive side of what these 2 people realised about me.  It may have taken months or even years for them to see but I'm happy they saw the real me.  I am not a chatterbox.  I often find it tiresome to talk and talk.  I sometimes find some topics lame or redundant that I'd rather not engage and waste my energy.  It's always easier to just be funny and chill when hanging out with people.  On one of the times I was featured on TV, my dad commented on how talkative I was.  Well of course I talked my heart out, the host kept asking me questions that I needed to expound on :)  I will talk non stop if needed or when I see fit...Now that's where the problem lies!  When talking with people, I sometimes get lazy all of a sudden then ask someone else to tell the story for me ("Ma, tell them bout the time we went to Caliraya" or "Mark, tell them what happened when we got to the hospital") or wait for everyone else to arrive so I don't have to keep on repeating myself.  Then there comes prejudice that maybe he won't understand this or maybe she already knows that.  I guess that's the charm blogging has on me...I type it once, then I can tell people to just read it.  If they want more info, they can ask me and I'd be delighted to explain and give a (boring) detailed account of what has transpired. 

AZURE HEAVEN TURNED HELL

Earlier this evening as we were heading out SLEX, I realised myself getting stressed and anxious as I saw Azure.  What used to be a haven of relaxation for me, my family and friends, has now become a source of anger and unease.  I am very displeased with Azure's PMO!  What used to be minor irritations have become all out feelings of disgust and outrage.  It began with small annoyances like:

1. Security guard as we enter Azure merely stops us and asks for our unit number and name while writing it on SCRATCH PAPER.  Upon turnover, they asked for the plate numbers of our cars.  So I ask, WTH was that for? Where's the guard's list for cross reference?  Or better yet, why not issue car stickers instead??

2. Upon entering parking, they will ask us for the unit number and unit owner's name again.  Then what? No cross reference! No nothing.  So WTH was that for???

3. Upon entering the lobby, they will ask for the same details AGAIN!  At this point, I think the receptionists should have an idea of who the unit owners are. The first few months after turnover, they kept asking for the move-in form which we accomplished with the turnover people.  I expected them to be more organised than this since they have different departments to handle everything.  Apparently NOT.  No coordination at all!  You expect us to do that for you or go through the hassle of going to their office and accomplishing that form again???

4. Those stupid baller ID's upon registering for pool use that we have to return or else suffer the fine of php500.  Haven't you guys heard of those waterproof paper bracelets?? I'm sure those cost less and if you happen to charge us a measly php20 to cover that cost, it's better than the HASSLE of those baller ID's.  And btw, where do those php500 fines go?

5. Poor concierge at the Paris Beach Club.  Poor verbal skills, poor hospitality, poor appearance!  If PMO likes to boast of Azure being a high end destination, I suggest they hire people to play the part! And what's with the attitude??  I believe these receptionists aren't in any position to snub ANYONE...guests and unit owners alike.  I wonder if this is lack of experience, breeding or just plain proper direction from their superiors...which I later found out to be true.  I guess they were just following the examples set by their bosses.

These things, to me, are ''small'' annoyances that I can forego since it's just a matter of personal preference.  That just maybe it isn't really the SOP of most establishments.  This was until a couple of days ago when I was approached by fellow unit owners from Azure regarding a memo that clearly struck a (BIG) nerve and caught everyone's attention.  

Upon seeing this, I was pissed.  I thought to myself: This is so unfair!  Is this even legal???  So I sent this, along with other documents I had to Aggy so she can review the validity of all this.  From there, we composed a letter that I handed to Ms. Flores, Asst. General Manager.  

Before heading to her office, Hernan, from our Azure group, asked if he can come with me so I said yes.  When we got to Ms. Flores' office, she was there so we sat down and spoke to her. This is how it went (what I posted on fb, reported what happened in the meeting to fellow azure unit owners):

Ok, where to begin...will try to remember key points discussed before commenting...

Chris where'd you get the memo? She (ms flores) was defensive that this hasn't been released yet and that they're only implementing the membership card come may 1st which is php150 at cost.

The membership card is based on the allotted number of unit owners per unit (ex. 3 for one bedroom) so that those bearing this will no longer need to register.

Ms. flores opened a powerpoint file while we were discussing all these...

She said the allotted guests has been misunderstood so therefore it's really just 1 guest for 1 bedroom, and not 4 at a time.

Note that they are really pushing to eliminate airbnb or daily rental at azure. There were examples in the powerpoint showing airbnb postings that were done in poor taste...then she refers to one post in tagalog at php2500/night. She said they even came across a blog bashing and complaining about azure. There was an incident of a guest wearing a duster at the swimming area and when dissuaded by the guard, yelled, "ay nagbayad ako ng 1500 dito! etc" thus, making a scene. There were even couples caught having sex on the beach, stairways, etc. caught on cctv that they'll be glad to show us as proof. Then she goes about how some unit owners living in azure are complaining that they want to use the amenities but couldn't because the beach was overcrowded. I told her that's just a handful of unit owners since majority aren't living there or even in the philippines. 

When the powerpoint passed through the 2000-2500 guest fee, I commented: "ang bastos naman ng 2500 na guest fee na yan" then she just said that's the reason for the "orientation" this saturday, to discuss and gather feedback from homeowners. (Why call it an orientation when we haven't really agreed to anything yet???)

We already started discussing these things as we sat down so I handed the letter I had at the middle of the conversation.

Hernan posted some comments about maintenance then she said that's why pmo is implementing this...to avoid delapidation of facilities and fall of real estate value. (hello! isn't that their job? to use our money/monthly dues for maintenance of azure?!)

Paper bracelets will replace the baller bracelets soon. I also mentioned the car stickers and she wrote it down. Then she mentioned one unit owner suggested they rent out tables for say 5k per day to guests just so "hindi sila pakalat-kalat".

Ms. flores said there's just too much people. That's when Hernan mentioned being there during holy week and asking reception how many guests were there. It was 900, not even half of the 2000 turned over units. She kept on mentioning their worry of overcrowding and maintenance but didn't they foresee that? That's when I told her my example...if I was there with my family, there'd be 3 of us. And if we lived there, we will definitely use the amenities EVERYDAY. When we're not there and I have guests over, there's only 2-4 of them, 2-4 DAYS a month! It's the same amount of people so why are they complaining? That's when I brought up the Novotel article. She said, baka sa north yan. I said, no, it specifically said bicutan. Then she said she doesn't know anything about that.

After all the explanations, she said "that's why I'm surprised with the violent reaction of some unit owners". I then said, we react violently coz for the longest time, ok lang kami ng ok but now this is just too much!  

-----end of fb post-----

Exclusivity of Azure amenities to unit owners only, you say? Here are the articles:

http://manilastandardtoday.com/mobile/2014/11/23/accor-launching-six-hotels-go-hotels-to-open-nine-outlets

C'mon! WTH is this???  You have NO IDEA that this is happening?  You're gonna open a HOTEL to share OUR amenities EVERY DAY and yet we are supposed to limit our guests???

As far as maintenance goes, we are paying php120/sqm per month for our units plus php1500 for parking PLUS other quarterly fees.  I believe this should cover whatever maintenance expenses you're whining about!  

    

Bottomline azure employees, DO YOUR JOBS!  Seems to me that you've been spoiled with how seldom people walk in or use the facilities that the few times you were flooded with people, you blame and make unit owners responsible (suffer) for your INCOMPETENCE! 900 people, one holiday, then you give us this!  Do you forget how many buildings are yet to be built and occupied in Azure?? Smarten up folks and get your asses in gear!

Ardat Lile

The monster woke up and decided to knock on my door. Its treacherous grin masked with a fairy's sweet smile. Ignoring my better judgement, I let it in with arms wide open. I was seduced by the devil's deceitful songs and false rhymes.  Only to wake up drenched in mud and an abyss of terror.  I plead for release but it's too late now. Its talons deep in my spine, while its fangs spread poison on my veins. As the rainbow fades to black, I pray for rain.  Rain to wash away the darkness and dirt from my peers' eyes.  So they can see what lies beneath this villain's veil, and escape the massacre to come.  As I lay down with my last breath, I accept the fault of my careless choices, hold deep regret and curses.  I pity the ogre that doesn't sleep and can never find peace, for it lives in its own horror and will never live happily ever after. 

Negative results = Good vibes

Have I been a good girl the past few months?  I am guilty of some late nights, unhealthy food and lack of exercise...so I dreaded the results of my tests.  My last check up was in August 2014.  I thought the next check up was 6 months after, but apparently, it should've been after 3.  So, come my first checkup after a looooong time, Dra. Cocos asked me to get some tests done: pap smear, ultrasound, sonomammogram, and ca125.  I managed to get the pap, ultra and ca125 done within the day.  I had to wait for a couple of days to get the sono done since the technician wasn't there that day.  Instant gratification with the ultrasound and sono coz they told me right there and then that I'm okay and there's nothing to worry about.  It was my first time to get a sonomammogram and they kept asking me if I've had a mammogram before...Never.  They kept on saying that I should get a mammogram first before getting the sono, but when I showed the doctor's request, they gave me the song anyway.  It was my first time so I didn't know what it was.  It's just like ultrasound but focusing on the breast.  She put some gel and basically thoroughly scanned my chest area.  From the left armpit, up and down, to the breasts, to the right armpit.  I was very relaxed because the technician was a lady and was talking to me.  Although I'd get scared whenever she paused at an area, stop talking, and ogled at the screen.  After she was done, she said, "You're clear.  There's nothing to worry about." Whew, that's a relief!  I was happy and didn't mind having sticky breasts after! Hahaha!

We came back a week after to get my dreaded ca125 results and meet with Dra. Cocos again but when we got there, the results weren't ready yet.  It got held up because of the long weekend when the Pope arrived.  Another week passed (which is today), we came back.  Mark and I were half wishing the result wasn't there yet but when the lady handed it to us and I saw my score, we sort of shrieked a little and giddily went out of the lab.  

I really didn't worry about the pap smear results because I didn't realize how important it was until Dra. Cocos read the results to us.  I thought it was just one of those tests that women regularly have to see if they have yeast infection or something.  Yeah, that's how ignorant I am about these things because once upon a time I hated going to the doctor/hospital to have myself checked.  It's never too late.  Fortunately, the pap results were very good as well!!!  So we were all very happy.  I felt like a million bucks!

What next? Clarifying every how many months do we really need to go back for a check up. We settled at 4.  Dra.'s parting reminders: stay away from meat and sweets!  She never gave me any maintenance meds or supplements after my last chemo because she'd always say, "kumakain ka naman"...hahaha, pretty obvious with the figure and fb posts I guess.

I still can't get over my ca125 score. It feels like getting a 1.00 grade in UP, that's how I feel!  Now, how do I maintain it?  I feel so inspired to get a lower score that as soon as we got to the grocery from the hospital, I loaded up on veggies and fruits.  I feel so energized that I'm looking forward to exercising tomorrow morning.  And yeah, I'm ready to give up beef and pork again.  Wattaday!  :)

     

Think Big, Do big (proust questionnaire part 1)

Before the onset of the long weekend, I was working on this post when water spilled all over my laptop!  I was furious that I had to redo this, but thankful that I was only on question number 2.  Nikki forwarded this questionnaire to me months ago and I find that now is the perfect time to answer it…

My idea of perfect happiness is the absence of everything I hate or dislike.  It is not a perfect ending or summit to be reached at one point of my life.  Instead, it is any given moment that everything seems perfect to me.  It can be as simple as time alone in my room, temperature just right, no worries, and no physical pains.  It can also be moments of laughter with Mark and Xavi or a sumptuous lunch at Tagaytay with mama and papa.  It doesn’t have to be picture perfect either.  It can be celebrating the end of my chemo sessions with family and friends…inspite of my baldness and weight gain.  I guess it’s a frame of mind.  I used to think perfect happiness would come when I’ve achieved all my goals: a successful career, a house, a car, getting married, having children, and so on…but I realized life is just too short.  Why wait for that tomorrow that might never come?  Why wait to achieve this or have that just to be happy?  Live in the now!  Perfect happiness need not be so grand, it can be as simple as taking a looong shower after playing badminton. 

My greatest fear was crossing narrow bridges…I still fear it, but it’s definitely not the greatest.  My greatest fear is death.  This isn’t about fear of what the afterlife has to offer, but fear of what will happen to those I leave behind.  I am scared of what will happen to Xavi when I’m gone.  I want to see him graduate college and get accepted in his first job.  I wanna be there for him if he gets his heart broken or needs to nurse a bad hangover.  I wanna see his perfect happiness unfold.  I want to be there to support and take care of him until the time he can really stand on his own.  This comes from imagining how my life would’ve been without the support of my parents.  I am so grateful they’re still young and in good health.  I don’t know how I could’ve gone through the past few years without them.

I hate my tongue…it can go on and on and say the most hurtful things.  I used to think it was my temper but I realized that I can get pissed and not lash out at the people around me.  I can blow off steam in other ways that do not involve others…workout, walk out, cook, a LOT of other things except nag and talk.

I used to hate slow people, with some exceptions of course (like pwd’s and senior citizens).  This usually occurs in restaurants, cashiers, slow cars, etc. especially when I see there’s no reason to be slow.  I am impatient that way.  Mark and I have this mantra, we do not line up for food.  Number one, it’s a waste of time.  Number two, we’re here to spend money on your restaurant/establishment and this is the first thing (bad service) we get?  Forget it.  But now, what I hate most about some people is their incapacity to be sensitive.  Having gone through the past 2 years, I’ve had a lot of emotional and psychological lows.  Hearing insensitive things hurt me, then make me angry.  How can you tell me I’m fat instead of say how glad you are that I survived chemo?  How can you tell me that we lost Luna because we weren’t married yet, and God hasn’t blessed our union??  Ugh!

I used to admire my lola when I was younger.  Seeing how she raised 4 kids on her own (my lolo died when my youngest aunt was still a baby), put them in good schools, managed her own business, and was still glamorous.  All this faded away when I got older, realizing that success doesn’t equate to happiness.  To me, it doesn’t matter how successful a person is or how many friends he has if he has bad relationships with his family.  This is a deal breaker.  I believe that if I can’t get along with my family (the people I’ve lived with since I was a child), then something’s wrong with me.  If I can’t get along with them, chances are, I won’t be able to get along and live with other people.  Of all the people I know, I admire Mela.  She has shown me that you don’t have to go through all the crap I went through to be understanding and sensitive.  You don’t need to get married and have a child to be responsible for other people.  You don’t need to be greedy even if you’re ambitious.  She is strong to a point that I want her to cry sometimes, just coz she deserves to have a break and I want to be on the receiving end for a change! Hahaha J

I used to splurge on designer bags as a form of investment but now I challenge myself to bigger things.  My greatest extravagance right now is getting a new car.  We don’t really need it coz we already have 3, and my other car is fairly new.  So why get this car?  To me it’s a symbol of career growth.  Living comfortably and having everything we need makes me lax.  Seeing this new car will remind me of the monthly payment and urge me to work more.

I am currently ‘’thinking big”.  Thinking of ways to make more money, more happiness, more quality time, more ways to live a fuller life.  I used to distance myself from stress, so I went for simpler and little things.  But I still got the big C.  So now it’s time to be more responsible and disciplined, it’s time to grow up.   

Sick & Tired

As I was walking away from the MAC service center, I wanted to start sobbing and screaming! I was so frustrated, pissed, harassed, and just sick and tired of being hassled again with something I didn't do! Many times have I ended up taking responsibility, dealing with/fixing, and suffering the mess of other people! I really hate it!!! Being stuck with the inconvenience, and moreso, the bill!  Today it's my laptop being drenched in water. Even if it's so darn easy to get a new one, I need all my files!  That will take 96 hours before I can open my laptop again and, hopefully, still retrieve it.  This is my livelihood here, not just photos or silly games!  If I leave it with the repair shop, that'll still take atleast a week.  I keep on gritting my teeth and breathing deeply just so I won't burst into tears or rage. I'm already getting a headache and some muscle cramps. I have this weird tendency to tighten my calves or feet when I'm holding my anger in.  Thoughts flashing in my mind: the presentation I need for Monday, files of my new clients, bills I need to pay, credit card, car, workhours spent on tons of designs in the past, etc.  Then I zone in to "car"...A couple of years ago, my car got totalled.  And yeah, not by me.  It was such a pain coz I had to endure the loss of that car!  Slower moving or even declining some projects, having to commute, checking on the car, having a terrible repairshop since I didn't have that much money to have it fixed.  I super hated it!  Since then I vowed not to borrow other people's car unless I can afford to totally pay for it and have a replacement incase something bad happens.  It seems that some people take forgranted or even fail to grasp that I am REALLY inconvenienced and even lose income because of these things.  I am tired of the lack of consideration.  Or maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should whine and complain more so as not to give the impression that everything's so darn easy!  My work is "easy" because I love doing it and I manage my time and resources well.  I like looking at it as part of my life and not just some task or job I have to do.  That's why I'd gladly say, "I went shopping today" or "stayed up all night finishing a design", as if it's for myself. Instead of whining about the traffic, lugging around tons of stuff in a mall, not having enough sleep, I choose to see the nice things about what I do. I've lived by what my dad told me a looooong time ago: "Work smart, not work hard".  I believe that if I plan everything well enough, this is possible.  So if I wanted less workdays in a week, I'd visit several sites in a day and even save on gas and toll.  When I had to finish several commitments one Christmas season, I hired a driver to save time finding parking between locations.  I delegate, even if it means less or no profit for me.  Working smart doesn't mean giving a half assed job.  It's about being practical and efficient.  So yeah, if I have a lot of time on my hands, it's not because I have nothing to do but because I set it up that way.  I learned early on that I need some quiet/lazy time when I can regroup.  That's why I often cram and set all work on consecutive days so I'll have nothing to think about after that.  I hate it when people just dump stuff for me to do as if I have nothing on my plate, making sudden plans like I don't have a life.  I am freelance but I do have deadlines too you know.  Maybe they don't think of me that way but it feels like that when I already have an hourly schedule planned for the next couple of days.  Whoa! What a release! I feel a little better now.  I think my real problem is saying "NO" or asking for help.  That if I refuse, they'd think I don't know how to manage my schedule.  If I ask for help, I can't be relied on or irresponsible.  If I whine, I'm weak, dumb or unresourceful. Enough looking good for now, I need a break!