Stop and smell the roses

I just noticed how I've been using the word "finally" a lot these days…"It has finally arrived, I finally get to do this, That's finally complete, Finally done", etc.  I guess it's about the excitement of achieving or getting something after a long wait.  I used to be so impatient about a lot of things and tend to fast forward or hurry the process…therefore, sometimes losing the thrill in the end product.  I lost the awe and wonder.  The magic was gone.  I remember when I was a kid and I'd get so giddy and excited for Christmas day so I can finally open my presents.  Those times that I couldn't sleep coz I can't wait for us to go on our family trip.  How I'd stare and tinker with my new cellphone for weeks.  Playing with our new puppy everyday that I'd have scratches on my arms.  Times we'd go to Baguio and wish we would never leave.  Soooo many things that have lost their touch.  I wonder, have I been spoiled too much that I don't get amazed with anything anymore?  Is this about being ungrateful? Being a snob and having a huge sense of entitlement? I never did get to answer these questions but was faced with the proper words to live by: Live and linger in the moment.

I was too busy to do this before.  I kept moving too fast to the future that I wouldn't stop and smell the roses.  There were too many goals that had to be done ASAP that before I even finish the one in front of me, I was already worrying, preparing or gearing up for the next task at hand.  I was unknowingly stressing myself even if I vowed not to.  The very reason why I chose to practice freelance interior design instead of a full time job.  Time came when I had too much on my plate that I didn't have a day off.  I was working 7 days a week.  Some days were spent out on meetings, site visits and purchasing all over metro manila.  The times I did stay at home were spent on preparing for presentations that were usually all nighters.  Coming back from a vacation left me tired and wanting to go on another vacation.  Our trips have become more of an adventure/exploration rather than relaxation.  This is when I started classifying our vacations to: chill, road trip, and travel.  Travel is about exploring the food, culture, and sceneries of the area.  It involves walking, eating and shopping.  Road trips involve driving and a lot of physical activities that may include hiking, water and board sports.  We often bring a lot of "toys" and tools on these trips so that there's always something to do wherever we are.  We even created a sub classification: Epic road trip - for trips covering 1000km and up.  Chill, to me, is what a vacation is all about.  It is our "beach bunny" mode.  Unlike road trips where we're prepared to or often roughing it, chill involves lovely accommodations, lazing by the beach, tons of sleep and freedom to do, well, nothing!  

Being idle and prohibited to do certain things for months the past 2 years made me see a lot of wonderful experiences I've had that I wish I could've enjoyed and savored more.  Yeah, photos are there to remind me of the places we've been to but what's more important are the memories attached to it.  I try to keep my phone (and other gadgets) away, not think of other things, and be present to what's in front of me when we're on vacay.  I don't need photos to remind me of some of the best vacations we had because those are forever stored in my data bank…how carefree I was, what music was on, what we were laughing about, how cold it was, the color of the sky as the sun set, the amazing landscape, so much food I had, etc.  How awesome is it to reminisce on memories like these rather than look at a perfect picture and only be reminded of how I was hurrying home to finish a project, how badly I wanted to get a massage, was dealing with an irate text message, had a fever, or worse, couldn't remember the moment at all!  

After a while, I realized this doesn't only apply to vacations but every single moment of my life as well.  I honestly enjoyed my second wedding more (inspite of my medical condition) because I wasn't worrying about anything at all.  When everyone told me not to worry and assured me they got it all under control, I listened to them.  It paid off because it was the best go-to memory I had when I was on chemo :)  On our recent trip to Japan, I was struggling with the idea of making it ''worth it'' by fitting a lot of sites to visit within the time we had.  I wanted to experience snow, but this meant packing up the night before (finished at 1:30am, btw), waking up at 5am, check out of the hotel, travel for at least 3 hours to see snow, stay there for an hour, get back to the hotel in time for the 3pm bus shuttle to the airport.  This doesn't include the walk, waiting, and figuring our way around the place.  It was indeed gonna be cutting it short.  A part of me was saying might as well do it coz we're already there but a larger part of me was saying I don't want to be stressed and go home feeling exhausted and wanting another vacation.  Just thinking of how tight the schedule was stressing me out, what more if we pushed through with it?  I would've been looking at my watch every 10 minutes and wishing the train or bus would go faster instead of enjoying the ride.  I'm glad I chose not to go because Japan left a lot of wonderful memories that I really want to and will have to go back.  I even look at traffic as a time to clear my head (when alone), chat with friends (on speaker phone) or whoever's in the car with me.  I treated checking in the hospital for my chemo sessions like I was going on a chill vacation.  I again allowed myself the joy of purchasing stuff for my clients as if I was shopping for myself so that work didn't feel like work.  At home, the 3 of us don't mind watching Harry Potter over and over again because we all feel happy watching it.  We sometimes even setup seats and food watching reruns and old movies to imitate the director's club cinema with the bonus of the pause button.  Impromptu Sta. Rosa or Tagaytay trips for coffee, dinner or palengke is a luxury because it is nearby.  I mean, why subject ourselves to the traffic, congestion and crowds of going to a mall when we can just head the opposite direction?  By the time we get to Rockwell or Greenbelt, we're all probably so hungry, harassed by traffic, and tired looking for a parking spot…then the long line of getting into a restaurant? Forget it.  Overall experience is already 2/10.  I believe in making every moment count.  Whether stuck in a bad situation or on the planning stage, there always is a choice.  I choose to be happy.                     

Couples (chemo)Therapy

"The roses will follow"…keeps echoing in my head whenever times are tough.  It's something pops said on his speech for our wedding last year.  Unlike other newlyweds, the usual warnings didn't apply to us: "this is what for better or for worst means…enjoy the honeymoon stage while it lasts", etcetera because we've already been through the loss of a child, diagnosed with cancer, and were on our way to chemo a month after the wedding.  In short, seems like we skipped the honeymoon stage and went straight to hell.  There were a lot of unmet expectations and events that truly left a dent on our emotions and egos that we struggle to accept or let go almost every day…Our little girl's room has become a guest room/storage area.  Menopause came early, so there goes our chance of having another baby.  Taking care of a sick spouse was supposed to come at least 30 years after the wedding, not 30 days.  Honeymoons meant checking in at hotels, not hospitals…

We didn't start off our honeymoon on a bed of roses but we tried and made the best out of almost every situation we encountered.  Post op, we made sure that trips made outside the house were spent well…going to church, giving in to our food cravings, some light shopping, and even day trips to Tagaytay or Sta. Rosa to enjoy the cool breeze.  On my strong chemo weeks, we'd do the same and sometimes even check in a hotel or go out of town.  Inspite of the chemo, I enjoyed the freedom...Free from responsibility and stress, freedom from needing to fix my hair, freedom from having to show up…there were a lot of things to be happy and thankful for.  I chose to look at the glass as half full rather than half empty.

I cannot deny the fact that we, as a couple, had really bad days.  While other couples get irritated coz he didn't put the toothpaste cap back on, or she takes too long in the bathroom, we were struggling with depression, anxiety, and fear.  There were times I wanted to break things and scream my heart out with frustration and unexplainable anger…and sometimes I did give in to it.  It helped that after some time, I accepted this as a side effect of chemo and learned not to blame it on people around me.  I remember one time when I was so mad, screaming and all flushed, while crying.  I felt like I was gonna explode!  I asked Mark and Jona to give me something to throw or break.  They gave me a couple of bottles that I smashed on our garage wall.  After my throwing binge, I was fine.  I apologized to Jona for the mess she had to clean up and thanked her and Mark for helping me get rid of the ill emotions I had.  Regardless of who or what was the cause of such emotions, it's the people living with me who always took the hardest blow.  I'm just thankful that Mark is naturally a light hearted person that he helps us jump back to a positive mood almost instantly.

One important tip I cannot stress enough is: SIMPLIFY.  Do not add any more problems to what you already have.  Do not gamble or drink.  Why add to the hospital visits, expenses and headaches?  Do not cheat in any way or form.  Your spouse undergoing chemo feels undesirable enough as it is so why add to the insecurity and pain.  A normal relationship or marriage is complicated enough, what more when a critical illness is added into the mix??  It may bring a couple closer together or break them apart.  In any case, only the strong survives.