There's an O and a C in Chemo

I was never a fan of going to the hospital or visiting the doctor.  I had this notion that if you keep on probing and looking for a disease you may have, you'll definitely find something.  After my week long stay at Manila Adventist Medical Center,  I was a total convert.  That previous statement was changed to:  If you're in pain or feel something's wrong, go to the hospital right away to find a cure and rid yourself of the suffering.  I chose MAMC and Dra. Cocos for my 6 sessions of chemotherapy for a number of reasons…I was very comfortable with Dra. Cocos.  She is very positive, warm and cheerful.  After my operation, Dra. Cocos and Dra. Ancheta checked up on me daily or sometimes even twice a day.  The nurses also had the same bright attitude, were very gentle, and attentive to my needs.  When something went wrong, another doctor with that field of expertise was called in and either tests were done right away, I was given the medicine needed, or the device was adjusted.  There were CLEAR answers/diagnosis AND remedies.  I wasn't left overnight to deal with the discomfort or pain just because the doctors weren't there at the moment, labs were closed, etc.  This hospital, the doctors, nurses, and crew were VERY reliable and efficient.  I was only confined in a hospital thrice before this: first was back in 1997 at Makati Med when I had terrible abdominal pain.  I was there for a couple of days but even after discharge, what it was remained a mystery.  WTH?!  The other 2 were at Polymedic for child birth in 2003 and 2012.  Those are my only basis for comparison.  MAMC was the only hospital that discharged me with all the answers and made sure I was ready to go.  This made me think that I may have been prematurely discharged by Polymedic last 2012 as I had fainting spells for a week after that.  I was thinking maybe they should've given me blood transfusion but instead just prescribed iron vitamins.

Aside from the good experience I had when I was confined at MAMC, there were NO LINES!  I hate the fact that I'm already sick, my loved ones are emotional, and we still need to go through the stress and hassle of waiting in line for paying, lab tests, check ups, etc.  At the end of my chemo, we planned on having my CT scan, x-ray, urine, and blood test at St. Luke's Fort because it was nearer and cheaper.  Much to our dismay, we got there and took a number…that number was for the first step: information.  After that, we'd have to get ANOTHER number to line up for the scheduling, then ANOTHER number for payment.  We were looking at how sloooooow the numbers were being called and decided to leave.  As we were on our way out, one irate lady in her early 50's was arguing with one of the information clerks while holding her filled urine bottle: "What?!  I just need to give this!"  Yes, ANOTHER line just to submit your urine sample!  No thanks, we'll pass…then headed to MAMC.  

Wedding done and holidays passed, I needed to get my chemo already.  I was procrastinating because I was scared.  It was a mix of emotions that I wanted to do it for fear of cancer cells growing every minute I don't receive treatment, and not do it coz of the pain.  The only actual chemo session and effects I've seen were on Breaking Bad.  I felt the other survivors I've spoken with weren't giving me all the data I needed.  I thought, maybe they didn't want to tell me so I wouldn't get scared.  So I scoured the internet for info.  Nobody described how it felt during the session.  Will it sting or burn on my veins once it's administered?  Is my body gonna ache? An epic headache perhaps?  Why are they saying that by the 5th session, I may not wanna go through it anymore??  How painful is it????  All these unanswered questions were eating me up and making me anxious as we scheduled the first session for January 15.  Days before my first session, I wanted to go herbal because I was being a coward!  

I am thankful for being blessed with friends and family that reminded me of Him.  That I can turn to God for guidance and strength.  It was the first time me and Mark would pray every night.  When feeling helpless, I'd pray and talk to Him.  If this didn't work, I'd read a verse from the book Bernice sent…then the book April sent…or the novena to Father Pio.  If this still didn't work, I'd read chapters from the bible from an app I downloaded, listen to praise songs, or talk to Karren.  Even before and after each session, Dra. Cocos prays for us.  After so many prayers and contemplation, I was still not 100% ready but at least I wasn't scared anymore. 

After the first chemo session, all apprehensions about how it'd feel like were out the window. I decided to carry on the formula of the first chemo session to the next five.  One rule:  Be as comfortable as possible!  It started with packing the most comfortable clothes and underwear for sleep, during chemo, and going home.  I refused to wear the hospital gown because it was open at the back and the fabric was rough.  I had ready socks, bonnet and scarf incase any of those areas of my body felt cold.  I brought my own pillows and pillowcases so I can sleep well.  I also brought  my softest blanket that feels like a teddy bear's fur.  I brought whatever hobby or small activity I was doing at the moment so I don't get bored during the session.  Upon arrival at the room, I sometimes even change the layout (especially the small rooms, a habit I also do in hotels or resorts, hahaha) so we can move around properly.  Plus the OC in me can't relax when I see something out of place.  I draw the curtains so it doesn't feel stuffed and I can see what's going on outside.  On chemo day, I wake up extra early so I can have breakfast, take a bath and do my morning rituals before they put on my IV so I move faster and avoid the hassle of working around that needle in my hand.  I make sure they put the needle on my left hand (I'm right-handed) so I can still write, doodle, text, etc.  Most importantly, I had my mom, Mark and Xavi (in the summer) there with me.  After all that, I'm ready and totally relaxed! :D  Planning ahead helped us undergo those 6 sessions worry-free.    

  Second chemo session - February 14, 2014

Third chemo session - March 7, 2014

Fourth chemo session - March 30, 2014

Fifth chemo session - April 23, 2014

Sixth/Final chemo session + Mama's 49th birthday - May 14, 2014

Let's get physical...

I started getting obsessed with weight loss on my last year in college.  It came to a point that I'd have headaches everyday because I seldomly ate something.  My lightest was 118 lbs.  For someone who's 5'7'', that's THIN!  I continued on this obsession even after college.  Looking back, I now realize that I was really anorexic!  I was neither healthy nor fit.  Bad eating habits gave me acid reflux leading to gas.  After just 10-15 mins of whatever physical activity or sport, I'd be panting like hell!  I only gave in to exercise when I got extremely fat, which occurred after my 2 pregnancies.  But I'd stop again when I already achieved my desired weight and go back to my anorexic ways.

After my 2nd chemo session, I read that exercise helps in my overall well-being.  That's when I started using the Kinect for dancing, boxing, and table tennis :)  When I started dancing, EVERYTHING ached within one song.  I was told not to push or stress myself too much but I was stubborn and pushed myself every single day.  Day after day I'd add one more song, then another, and another until I realized I was dancing an average of 45 minutes a day with less aches, less panting, and a LOOOOT of sweat!  I felt great!  Some days I'd do boxing and table tennis but I really loved dancing.  In May, our unit in Azure was turned over so we had access to the swimming pool.  This time around, I started with 400 meters, working my way up to 800 meters.  After this, we got into badminton.  I finally gave in to it.  I was so surprised and proud of myself that I can last for 2 hours (with some 10 minute water and chit chat breaks of course!) of badminton.  At almost 180 lbs. and undergoing chemo, I was healthier and more fit than when I was thin and not sick.  I veered away from these activities in the past coz I knew I didn't have the energy or endurance for it.  I'd do some cycling, hiking, surfing, etc from time to time but it was more of will power rather than strength that got me through those, hahaha!

I've been lucky enough to have energy before, during, and after chemo.  I still wanted to live my life (within reason) even if I was undergoing treatment.  I went to the mall, walked the dogs, ate out, hung out with friends, etc.  My loved ones were very supportive but were very keen on reminding me to just stay away from stress, take it easy, and be happy.  BUT of course there were the BAD days.  These bad days are what I call the dreaded 6th day.  After chemo, I'm given oral steroids that I take for 5 days to ease the side effects.  So, on the 6th-8th day, that's when I "crash".  This is when I start getting bloated.  Sometimes I feel this terrible heartburn for an entire day or this heavy feeling on my chest like a hollow block was placed on top of it that it gets so hard to breath.  On some occasions, it feels like I got hit by a bus, everything just aches for no apparent reason.  I can't even sleep it off coz lying down makes it heavier or ache even more.  Then, on top of all the physical aches and pains, comes the depression.  It's okay coz it's usually gone after a day, or two, or, okay 3 days tops.

           

Bubble Butt

It was my first time to ever have an operation last December 3. I had 2 normal births, but never went under the knife so I didn't really know if what I was going through was normal...Was I recovering fast? Am I supposed to feel pain in that area?  What does a properly healed wound look like?  I had many questions that were gladly addressed by Dra. Cocos, Dr. Lopez, and Dr. Google :D

I spent 5 days in the hospital and when I was discharged, we went straight home. My doctors said I will be fully healed in 8 weeks but in the meantime, I am on bed rest.  At home, I stayed in our room on the second floor. I wasn't allowed to go up and down the stairs or walk fast.  I was fed 5 meals a day and on time so I can drink my medicine.  Mornings I'd walk to Xavi's room so I can have my daily dose of sunshine. My diet consisted of fruits, veggies, fish and chicken cooked in little or no oil and amino (alternative to soy sauce) if it needed some saltiness. I sometimes had oatmeal, cereal and soymilk for breakfast. Nuts and raisins as snacks. THAT was it. No preservatives, no processed food, no takeout.  The good side was, I healthily lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks!  I had guests everyday to keep me company. And as the wedding was coming up, we even held meetings with suppliers in our room.  The first week at home I was so bloated, it felt like I was gonna explode! I felt my skin stretch to its maximum potential from the waist down.  I was so afraid my dress wouldn't fit that we had another one made!  Thank goodness, the water retention went away days before the wedding!  Wouldn't wanna waste that lovely dress.

I feared eating because of what came next. There was excruciating pain whenever I'd do number two that I'd scream inside the bathroom. I had to wear a binder for proper healing of my wound. It was long! Starts right below my navel and goes down to 4".  It's ok, the doctors did a wonderful job cutting and sewing it back :) 

I was scheduled for a checkup with Dra. Ancheta a week after discharge from the hospital.  My wound was healing well and I can remove the bandage already! I didn't want to. I was afraid to touch it or for it to rub on my clothes. She assured me it was fine and it wouldn't open up or anything :) Since I was already out, I asked permission to go to the mall.  Hey, I've been stuck at home and the hospital for almost a month now! I said I'd ride a wheelchair so I wouldn't have to walk and she said YES! :D  So there I was, strolling greenbelt on a wheelchair. It was weird coz my eye level was suddenly altered to...staring straight at the butts of those walking infront of me! Hahaha!  Now I know what children are subjected to when in a crowd.  Anything just for shopping.  Well, I really needed to get extra high waist lola panties to cover my exposed wound.  It was definitely a good day!

My doctors actually advised me to start chemo a week after my operation but we asked for an extension...to let the wedding and holiday season pass before we start the sessions.  There was also the question of postponing the wedding until I've fully recovered but they said it was better if we proceeded as planned.  That it would be a happy break for me.  It was actually a good idea because whenever I was feeling blue after chemo, I'd watch our wedding video.  That was my go-to happy (place) film :)

http://vimeo.com/82499992

Taking out the trash

I used to get excited once the BER months arrive coz of the weather, my birthday, and Christmas. It's the time of year when I am or feel abundant...projects pay off, balikbayans arrive, gifts come flowing in (and out), people seem nicer, trips materialize, parties, etcetera, etcetera...

But now, it seems that I've been traumatized by the past 2 years. There's this fear lurking at the back of my head that something bad is bound to happen whenever my birthday's coming up or there's something wonderful planned.  I've always believed and preached that worrying doesn't help at all because there's no action involved, just thoughts. Worrying comes before or after the fact, but doesn't play a vital role at the moment I'm actually there or doing it.  So now, I keep on repeating this to myself whenever I'm worried.  Plus, of course, practice what you preach Kat!

Nowadays, I find myself whining and complaining a lot. I feel sluggish, easily disheartened or lose interest, tiresome, sensitive,,,or just plain sick and tired of it all! Early 2012 I got pregnant, 6 months bed rest, lost our baby in November, recovered, work again, got sick for weeks in November 2013, operation on December, chemo from Jan-June 2014...now what???  All momentum (and savings) lost, time to rebuild again. I've been a freelance interior designer eversince I graduated. To me, being freelance doesn't mean it's easier...it entails more passion and discipline because NOTHING will happen, I won't earn anything, if I don't move and put my heart into it. There are times when I just wanna apply in a call center or small office where I'd go to work, do what I'm told, then go home, not having to think about work the minute I finish my shift.  But then again, that's not the solution because the problem is ME. 

Mark tells me to take it one day at a time but I fear that I've taken too much time doing that, and at such a sloooow pace.  I pray every night for guidance. I try out and do those small ideas we have (perfume, bazaar, boucle, accessories, etc).  I push myself to accomplish something everyday, but I feel it's not enough.  We all pride ourselves for being a certain someone who's like this and that. We put value on different things that give us a sense of accomplishment.  Mark used to gague himself with his workout and how strong he's become. He also puts value on learning new things and skills. Mine is plain and simple: Me = how much money I make.  THAT is how I can give Xavi a bright future. THAT is how I can help other people in need. THAT is how I can be no burden to anyone...So now, I feel like TRASH.

I applaud the people around me who are very understanding and patient with what  I am and what I'm going through. There's no need to worry, I'll be back soon ;)

Vanity got the best of me

During chemo, I didn't just lose hair on my head but on other parts of the body as well.  It was a very welcomed occurrence on the legs and underarms so I don't have to shave anymore.  But on other parts, like the face, it was a disaster!

I am vain.  I want to look good and not look sick or dying.  So inspite of the weight gain and moon face, I tried my best to "fix" it.  I never really wore makeup on a regular basis.  My makeup kit consisted of sunblock, face powder and tinted Blistex lip tone.  When I wanted to feel more made up, I'd use a curlash and put on some mascara.  That was it!

A month after my first chemo session, my eyebrows started withering.  It was bearable at first, but after awhile, it badly needed intervention.  So I got an old eyeliner I had and started experimenting.  O M G !  I looked like I had a fat leech on my face! hahaha!  So I decided to go to youtube for help.  There I found a lot of very helpful videos on how to do my eyebrows.  That's when my small makeup kit grew to this:

I also went to a MAC store at SM Aura to ask for help on what shade and stuff I should get.  First of all, NEVER get black!  Test the liners on your face to get full effect of the colors.  For some reason, the brunette crayon and  redhead brow liner from MAC have the same color when applied to my brows. Shades I used were often the lightest ones I can get or the tone next to that: redhead, brunette, blonde.  My favorite was the brunette eyebrow crayon from MAC because I didn't need to sharpen it anymore, was very slim and handy.  After another month, my needs grew as my eyebrows were close to nonexistent.  A liner just didn't do the trick and I had not much eyebrows to apply the Color my brows from Etude anymore, so I got the Elf eyebrow kit.

The 30 minutes I used to spend fixing my long hair now went to making the perfect (or so I tried) brow whenever I'd go out.  My brow had good days and bad days.  Some days they were slim, some days fat, arched, rounded, long, short, dark, and some days phat! ;) 

                

But wait, there's more!  I also lost my eyelashes!  As I look at the mirror, I could see how my face has changed.  The weight and puffiness made my cheeks bigger that my eyes became smaller.  The loss of eyelashes made me look weird and my eyes puffy too.  By this time, I felt so fugly that I just wanted to give up.  I even deleted my Facebook account last April coz I was getting so depressed with how I looked…I felt so fugly!  I didn't want to go out anymore.  I didn't want to see and be seen by people.  I just wanted to sleep until all this is over, then wake up looking wonderful!  I was so pissed, frustrated and tired of fighting it.  I even stopped dancing coz even if I danced everyday for at least 30 minutes, I was still getting bigger!  Mark would always reassure me that it was the steroids, my body's reaction to chemo, etc. that it will go away, but I refused to listen.  

This time around I was dealing with the way I looked, I was having a hard time accepting it.  It also doesn't help the comments INSENSITIVE PRICKS make.  I don't care when they say, it's just Filipino culture to say those things.  Being insensitive and inconsiderate morons are just that, they're just plain STUPID!  Instead of saying "how're you?" or "glad to see you're ok", they'd say, "you got fat" and "omg, you really gained weight" W T F right?!!!!  It takes a LOT to be the bigger (pun intended) person at that time because I was already dealing with a lot of emotional and physical difficulty, much more have patience with the likes of those people.  Give me an effin break!

After a while, I got to accept how I looked like and slowly started crawling out of my shell again.  I got a lot of help from fellow survivor April too :) What stuck to my head was something she said when facing these kind of people, "I just went through chemo, what's your excuse?" HAHAHA!

      

Cause and Effect

This is the last entry on my drenched journal.  I really got a headache deciphering some paragraphs. Whew! almost done…

March 7, 2014

9:48 pm

Fighting and surviving chemo…with a vengeance!!! RAWR!!!  I say this because I just finished my 3rd chemo session today, hung out at my parents' house for late merienda, came home, had a light snack, dance workout, took a bath, and now writing in this journal.  I was hesitant to work out at first but I felt good and dreally wanted to.  Mark asked us to buy an Xbox Kinect for his birthday last February so we can exercise together.  Well, it ended up with me loving it more!  I started dancing on March 1 and been doing it every morning ever since.  I love it.  That's how I lost 60lbs after my first pregnancy (well, back then it was playstation's dance pad) and that's how I'll lose the weight now!

Anyway, I'm worried coz Mark's sicker than me now.  He has colds and just fell asleep while I was dancing away.  I hope it doesn't become an all out fever :(  I can't sleep beside him or even be in the same room with him if that happens :(

The last time I wrote here, I TOTALLY broke down.  I cried and was depressed the whole day till the following morning.  Good thing was, I decided to finally fix photos on my phone, laptop and external hard drive.  While looking at the photos, I saw all the trips, dinners, night outs, drinking sessions and gimmiks.  I saw all the alcohol, bad food, lack of sleep I had in my life and realized:  What the hell am I crying about?!  or Why am I crying?? …Why me? There's the proof!  I say to myself, "Kat, may amnesia ka ba? Ayan o! THAT's the reason why  you got cancer! Stop moping and asking yourself why kasi masaya and nag enjoy ka naman diba?!"So there, I just laughed at myself.  It was a total breakthrough for me!  I got sick because of the way I (unhealthily) enjoyed my life!  And just like that, all those crazy emotions were gone…That stupid feeling I had, like I was a victim of uncontrollable circumstance, was answered.  And it was really in-your-face! Hahaha! 

My chemo session today was good and fast.  We finished at 3:00 pm.  I just hate it when they don’t put or remove the IV needle properly, my blood gets spilled on the sheets or floor :$

I’m so happy coz I finally got to swim after 4 loooooong months!  Mark, Xavi and I went to Aquatico last Tuesday-Wednesday.  Two birds with one stone:  Got to enjoy the beach and the infinity pool J with my 2 boys.  Priceless!

Du-di-du-di-du-di-doodle

One thing I experienced with chemo is the inability to focus on something, which I found to be very frustrating!  Being idle is sometimes the hardest thing for me to do.  So even if I was on bed rest, I had to do something.  Not a fan of reading a book nor watching TV.  After marathons of the latest season of whatever series I can put my hands on, I lie and wait.  So when I was on bed rest for almost 6 months in 2012, I went into knitting.  This time around, chemo brain won and got the best of my creative side.  It was so frustrating that I can't even create a simple bracelet out of beads.  So what more if I were to compose or design an entire room?!? :(

I found myself doodling…I made sure they put the IV on my left so that my right hand is free to write, sketch, or draw.  The first drug they administer on my IV before chemo is diphen, which usually put others to sleep within a minute or two.  Not me! I'd get pretty stoned for a couple of minutes, then, it's gone!  Here's some of the stuff I made during my chemo sessions…

Yes, we spent Valentine's Day at the hospital for my 2nd chemo session.  It was actually very pleasant :) We were serenaded by the MAMC choir and pastor, sold a lot of my homemade perfume, and got roses and chocolates from papa. 

At times I'd feel so stupid after a conversation because I feel like I was talking nonsense or gibberish…or I was being redundant.  There was one time I caught myself getting so engrossed in my doodles that I was totally not paying attention to the group conversation anymore :O Talk about a.d.d! Aaaaand, more doodles…

   

    
Don't worry, it'll come back.  I can say that as of today, I'm 70% there.  That 30% still gets me frustrated sometimes though.  But maybe, just maybe, it was replaced with something else ;)