Insecurity & Self-Loathing

Confidence, or lack of it, is something I've been struggling with the past few months.  It had a big impact on me, my morale, my way of being.  I lost confidence in getting good news…that I will get through whatever medical tests with flying colors.  That I will never be a victim of a serious disease.  I thought, if I didn't make myself present or aware of cancer, I will never have it.  If I distanced myself from people who do, I will not attract it in my life.  Yeah right!  How will the law of (un)attraction work when I lived in unhealthy bliss?  I stayed away from watching drama or local soaps where there's always someone crying in almost every scene like every single moment of their lives was a tragedy.  That didn't help either.  When disaster came, keeping my eyes dry was a total effort.  I realized early on that prayer and having faith in God gave me strength.  Now THAT really helped.  Verses from the Bible, the rosary, novenas, meditation books, and even cliches brought in some much needed appeasing.  

Confidence in my appearance was degraded whenever I'd get bloated and moon faced.  The loss of hair and weight gain was totally dragging me down.  I hated looking in the mirror when I wake up in the morning.  After taking a bath, putting some makeup and accessories, no difference, I still hated it.  Nothing I wore looked nice on me.  I had to accept that I had a big belly even if I wasn't pregnant.  There's this bulge when I look in the mirror sideways.  The height of my obesity was after my last chemo session and I was shopping for something to wear to my chemo grad party.  I got clothes from the plus size department for the first time in my life.  I was so frustrated that NOTHING looked good on me even if I already got clothes from there!  Since it was labeled "plus size",  shouldn't those clothes be a little flattering for people with my built?  Instead, it was hugging at the wrong places, fabric made bulges show more, and prints were just, blah, ugly!  I felt worst coz it got me thinking I was so fat, the plus size clothes are too small for me!  In the end, I wasn't able to buy anything.  I got a skirt, pulled it up to my chest, and wore a kimono on top of it…and that's what I wore to my party!

I also struggled with confidence of my intellect and creativity.  The slowness of how I process things in my head, some lapses in memory, inability to focus, and absence of creativity were some of the things that bothered me.  I wanted to see and talk to people but I often felt stupid.  It felt like I didn't make much sense, like my thoughts were so unorganized and segmented.  There was the insecurity of self image plus security itself.  I used to drive alone to wherever I wanted or needed to go at whatever time I pleased.  This time around, I felt I always needed a companion.  I didn't wanna go out alone or even drive.  I was scared.  

I didn't suffer from much pain during my chemo sessions so maybe that's why I had the time to ponder on all this insecurity.  I thank God that he just gave me this to deal with.  If I had both, I would've gone crazy, lost hope and given up.  There were times that I gave in to all those negative emotions and chose to be alone, not go out, see and be seen by people.  It was a mix of insecurity, self-loathing, shame and depression..."Why did I allow myself to gain so much weight?  Why didn't I exercise?  What the hell was I talking about?  What a waste of time!"  What helped me during those times were friends and family that gave me an overdose of assurance.  I didn't have a formal cancer support group but the people around me were more than equipped to handle me and all my complaints.  April & Greg shared a lot of tips on coping with the effects of chemo.  Aggy was my early morning chat mate.  Mela came whenever she was in Manila.  Flip, Stef & Domz dropped by to hangout, food trip or play kinect.  Mama looked after me whenever I was home alone.  Papa made sure we went out on weekends.  Facebook chat mates sent me words of encouragement.  Xavi and Mark made sure I felt loved and safe.  It helped that people really knew me.  Regardless if I was on chemo or just having a bad day, they knew what would make me laugh or make me stop worrying.  It didn't matter if they were trained to handle a survivor's crisis.  What mattered was, I knew they were there to help, period.         

I'm glad that I'm slowly regaining momentum and confidence.  I'm driving again.  I started with going alone to Sucat, then Fort, then Pasig, then QC.  Now I feel I'm back.  I can drive to anywhere again!  Confidence is also coming back…I get to work, create things, wear some of my old clothes, meet up with friends, multitask, etc.  I appreciate a lot more now, some things I've taken for granted in the past.  

Money Matters

Four years ago, Doj invited me to their showroom in Makati.  I was curious and really wanted to see the project.  After viewing the video and walking through the model units, I was writing a cheque for the reservation fee of the unit.  I never thought I would purchase a condo, ever.  I always wanted a house and lot because of the value of having that space, freedom of design and really owning the entire property.  I also didn't want having to take out loans or debt, I wanted to pay in cash or have that money on hand in case I had to pay for something right away.  Moreso, I've been freelance ever since and didn't have that security of having a monthly paycheck to pay for something in installment.  But after looking through my savings, credit and debit of my bank accounts, I convinced myself that I can do this!  Money always comes, a project will materialize sooner or later.  I was always playing it safe and didn't wanna invest or risk my money.  So back to the condo…As I was making the cheque, I called Mark to tell him that WE have purchased a condo.  He was surprised…then mad at me for going into it.  He said he didn't wanna sacrifice our lifestyle since we were gonna pay for something like this every month for 4 years.  I said I'd pay for it by myself if he didn't want any part of it but he changed his mind and we paid 50/50 for the monthly installment.  Months passed, still some form of resentment from him.  After a year, we computed how much we put into it and was so happy that we were able to save that much money without feeling it! :) We realized, if it weren't for that forced savings, we could've just thrown the money on nonsense things.  

Two years later, I decided it was time to change my car.  It was my first time to buy a brand new car on loan.  Of course I was again hesitant to make this move.  But now it was because of the interest that I'm paying the bank.  I felt like it was a waste of money.  What made me change my mind was something Mr. Gomez, a client of mine, said.  It totally changed the way I look at loans, it made complete sense to me.  Money depreciates and loses its value.  So if I keep on saving money to buy a brand new car in, let's say, 2 years.  By that time, car prices would've gone up and I wouldn't be able to afford it again.  That 800k car might be 1M in 2 years!  So, the interest in the loan makes up for that WHILE I enjoy my new car today! :)

Matthew Nuguid

I already have this weird superstition that I have bad luck in lending money or something alike.  Most of the time, I don't get paid.  Maybe it's the way or lack of asking people to pay up or deliver, but sometimes it's just too much!  First was the 250k I gave to Matthew Nuguid for a Kia Picanto back in 2007.  He's the nephew in law of Noel Katipunan, old client turned friend, that sells 2nd hand cars.  I met Kuya Noel back in 2000, worked for him, and almost all his siblings, that I've met his entire clan.  They felt like family, so I trusted Matt to deliver this car even a month after I've paid him in full.  Months passed, unanswered calls, no car.  He issued me some cheques that bounced or closed account after the first cheque cleared.  So bottom-line, up to this day, he still owes me 220k.  I just got tired of running after him for the rest of the payment.  I've given him enough time and patience but I think he misunderstood the payment as a gift!  Now he roams freely, spending that money on travel, his family, and hopefully not scamming other people with their hard earned money!  

Next is the pension plan I got from Prudentialife in 2002.  It was set to mature at just about the time Xavi reaches college.  So I thought, at least I won't have to worry about that time anymore.  But no, Prudentialife closed down.  I put in a total of 250k that would've matured to at least 500k.  I only got back 90k last year.  I often think of these instances and contemplate on things I've done to get such bad karma…yes, I've done a few, realize it's ok, and accept it.  Karma doesn't just apply to me, it affects everybody.  So whoever done me wrong will get whats coming to them too.  Whatever I lost, I gained in experience, friendship, health, and love.  So what is money to me?...Well, money can buy happiness…and take it.  So I try not to obsess on keeping a fat bank account but invest it on matters that do count.  

Last year I was planning to buy another car by January 2014.  January came and I needed to go through 6 cycles of chemo which basically used up the car budget.  I was aiming for Paris this year.  That didn't happen either.  My projected income didn't materialize because I stopped working so I can have a stress free environment.  I was disappointed that none of my plans pushed through.  Inspite of Mark reminding me the wonder of my healing, I was stubborn and still dwelt on those things until one day I was talking to mama about a certain loved one.  It's so infuriating to me that this millionaire would rather not get medical attention than pay for the hospital bills!!!  Even when she's sick and in pain!  I am no millionaire but chose good health over a car or Paris or the thought of having so much money in the bank.  That's when I came up with this to say to myself whenever I think of the money I didn't spend on leisure or worldly things: "Aanhin mo ang pera kung patay ka na?"

                               

PMS…Post Menopause Strength

When I finally got the chance to clean out my toiletries drawer post operation, the first thing I got rid of were my napkins and tampons!  I kept a pack just incase some of my girl friends visited and suddenly had a need for it :) Gone are the PMS and cramps, yahoo!  Oh no!  Guess I can't blame PMS for my mood swings anymore…But wait, now I can blame menopause for my temper! hahaha!  

I was busy going through post op pain, bloating, and fixing the wedding at first, so I really didn't have the time to notice menopause effects right away.  I only got to that a month after, when we met with a couple of doctors for second and third opinions regarding my chemo.  Only when one doctor told me that my skin will become dry that I noticed, yeah, my skin was really dry!  Not just on the arms and legs but also my back and chest!  After that appointment, I told mom Hirene that I hated putting on lotion.  I hated that sticky feeling.  So the following day, mom gave me a selection of lotions to try on.  I remember being in the car with her, on our way to another doctor's appointment, putting one lotion on my left arm, another on the right, another on the left leg, then another on the right.  I waited a while for signs of ickiness…then finally chose the winning lotion…Johnson's baby cooling gel lotion!  Since I had to put it all over my body, it had to have no scent or mild enough not to overpower my perfume.  After a couple of months, Flip was raving about another product, Argan oil from Watson's.  I tried this, and was a sudden fanatic.  I put it all over my body, then even on my head when I was a baldy on chemo.  Wonderful!  I use it every night only not because it's sticky, but one night I applied this to Mark, and the following morning we swam.  He had a bad sun burn!  Note to self, must rinse off before long exposure to sunlight!

I also have hot flashes.  I've classified it into two types.  First is the fleeting flash that comes like I have this sudden fever.  I feel hot inside and the air coming out of my nose is hot.  This usually lasts for around 5 minutes.  The next one is the lingering flash (yeah, how can it be a flash if it's lingering, duh???) where I suddenly have uncontrollable sweat pouring for no darn reason!  It's embarrassingly funny!  Remember the (imodium, i think) commercial, "mukhang guilty"?  That's how I feel whenever I have one of those! Hahaha!  Turning up the aircon, wearing sleeveless, relaxing myself doesn't help!  It will go away when it's done making me feel uncomfortable.  

Weight gain due to menopause is a myth, Dra. Cocos told me, and I believe her.  I got fat because of the junk I ate, that's it.  Maybe my metabolism got slower, that's why it's harder to lose weight now but I wouldn't have to deal with this if I had a proper diet.  Even people I know who work out regularly swear by the 70% diet, 30% exercise rule.  I have nothing or no one else to blame but me…and that derby cake from polly's, the breakfast buffet at bag of beans, crunchy chichacorn, that milk tea craze, and friends bringing food every time they visit! Hahahaha!  In my case, I need to change my view on eating.  Most of the time, it's the joy of sharing a meal with someone (rather than the taste of the food) that makes me eat more.  Mark and I often joke about  breaking up because we were so sexy when we broke up for a year.  When we got back together, that's when we started gaining weight.  I'm part of the happy emotional eaters group.  Thus, I'm a happy fat kat! :)

Menopause coming to me earlier than expected was also a large blow on our chance of having another baby of our own.  Of course there were a lot of "if onlys"…If only Luna survived…If only we froze an egg…etc.  But we often choose to look the other way and make light of the matter.  "Hey, we can finally have a blue eyed, blonde little girl!"…Yes, crazy ideas that make us laugh.  Here's one more creative reason I thought of:  "What if God really didn't want us to have a child because if we do, he'll be the anti-Christ that'll bring the end of the world??"  There's no sense in blaming, self pity or wallowing in sadness.  It only makes sense when something good comes out of it.  When a negative or sad thought comes to mind, I let it.  I may cry or be sad at the moment, I allow myself to be.  Most of my wonderful breakthroughs come from that.  But I also need to be able to snap out of it.  It's exhausting!  Whenever I'm done being sad, I look at the positive things I do have in my life…I may not be able to have a baby anymore, but I have Xavi.  He's healthy, smart, sweet, loving, adorable, and here with me.  I may have ovarian ca, but I'm having chemo.  There is a cure and we can afford it!  I have an ugly scar on my tummy, but I AM ALIVE.      

    

Spring cleaning

I've been thinking of what to write the past few days and couldn't come to a final decision…As much as I'd like to post something new every day, days have passed and I still haven't even opened this window.  It's not due to lack of ideas but I've been preoccupied with several things lately.  Things that (in my head) need to be done ASAP.  Just before opening my laptop, I was reading a book:  The Happiness Project.  I started reading it last week and still haven't finished till now.  Am I such a slow reader?  Or am I showing signs of A.D.D.???  It's just that I'm enjoying being mentally active (and fast) again.  It's like my thoughts going at 140kph, when it used to run at 20kph on chemo and I just can't wait to implement everything coz I feel like I squandered so much time.  

The past few days have been a blur.  There is always something to do…And in my head, it has to be done/finished asap, or else it will linger in my head, nagging me, till I can't sleep or feel so unsettled.  I wanted to finish the book earlier but writing here was in the back of my head and I couldn't seem to focus on what I was reading.  I was being counter-productive so I put it down and got the laptop instead.  I have never been a big fan of reading books.  But when I do like a book after the first 10 pages, I will definitely finish it and most probably grab the author's other books.  The Happiness Project has got me reeled in so much that I can't wait to finish it so I can make my own.  As usual, I can't wait to start, so even if I'm only 70% done with the book, I've already begun applying and doing some of the ideas that appealed or relevant to me.  It just feels like the book came at a perfect time because most of the ideas there, I've already started or been contemplating on doing.

I love shopping…Ok fine, I'm a shopaholic!  I was better off being single because I was shopping only for myself.  Now, I have more reasons to shop…for my son, Mark, our home, the dogs, etc.  There was always something to buy, something we needed, might need, or just wanted coz it was pretty.  I believe we have enough storage space in our home.  So when these cabinets started getting overstuffed that it won't close properly anymore, that's when I decided it was time for a makeover.  I hated the clutter in front of me and in my head.  During chemo, the only space I kept organized was our kitchen.  And I was only inspired to fix it coz I had a new cabinet made.  This time around, there's no more space for more cabinets elsewhere, so I need to get inspiration from nowhere else but ME.

First things first, that clutter in my head began when I stopped writing things down…grocery list, to do list, events in my planner, sketches, accounting expenses, etc.  So now, I've started writing down these things again.  Next was the "I have lots of time" frame of mind that made me procrastinate a lot…"I'm basically free the whole week, so I'll do it tomorrow."  Yeah right, I never did.  I lost goals when I lost my hair.  I think I overused the stress-free rule when I was, in fact, already being lazy…and depressed!  On top of that, I'm getting stressed with all the clutter, so, it's really time to MOVE and do something about it!  As with my other resolutions in the past, I don't wait for new year, my birthday, Monday, etc.  When I make a resolution, I'd like to start right away.  There's no use putting off what can be done today.  I suddenly find myself with a LOT on my plate!

Last week I decided to start spring cleaning and was thinking of where to start.  I picked Xavi's room coz I thought it had the least clutter and smallest area.  I already told Xavi of my plans and asked for his help on Saturday.  He needed to be there for the task of selecting which items to keep, donate, or throw away.  Saturday came, we had to go to his school for his grad pictorial, attend a meeting with a client, and a birthday party.  I wasn't going to make this an excuse not to push through with our cleaning date.  So, pictorial at 7:30-9:00 am, meeting at 10:00-12:00 nn, shopping 12:00-2:00 pm, cleaning 3:00-7:00 pm, birthday party 9:00-2:00 am.  It was indeed a full day.  My friend remarked on how it was my first time to be late and I apologized, having been carried away with the cleaning.  That day, we only finished his closet and left the room looking like a disaster area.  But we both felt good because his closet felt new.  It was clean, organized, and had extra space!  We got in so late that   

I thought we weren't gonna have time to finish it in time for the 3:30 pm party we were attending on Sunday.  I wanted to finish his room on Sunday coz he already has school the following day.  We all woke up late that day, around 10:00 am.  Had quick breakfast and started working on Xavi's room again.  We were done by 2:30pm! :)  Just enough time to take a bath and rush to the party!  We were both very happy with the outcome.  We sorted through, clothes, toys, school supplies, and shoes.  Going through this cleanup gave me an idea of what we needed to shop for and more insight on Xavi's personality.  He had sooooo many toys.  There was a new robot still in the box that he put in the donate bag, while he kept this cheap plastic toy soldier.  He kept gift cards and money envelopes while he was willing to give away a lot of decent toys.  He has a stuffed toy collection, mostly from our trips and prizes from timezone.  I realized my son is a lot like me. He likes to hold on to memorabilia and value things because of the experience and wonderful memories he has attached to them.  "This is dad's old car…That we got from ocean park…Sheldon Cooper has the same robot…I won this at Timezone…'' were just some of the things he said.  I gave in to his request of keeping these things even if most of them were broken and had no purpose.  But the oh so tired, loose gartered, and torn boxers, just had to go!  Shoes that didn't fit and old rag like shirts were also out of his closet.  I kept buying him new shirts but now realize he has a lot of those.  He needs boxers, denim pants, undershirts, and new uniforms.  We even found all the cables for his gadgets, caps, and a lot of school supplies.  Now, everything is organized and within reach.

It was a pretty good weekend.  There was plenty of time to clean, go out, work, and spend time with family and friends.  It also felt good to set a goal and finish it.  Again, I realize I couldn't have done this during chemo because there was so much dust in Xavi's room!  At the end of each cleaning session, my hands were black and I was already feeling itchy and sneezing!  I am reminded not to feel guilty or bad that I ''wasted'' time being idle.  Instead, be thankful of the time I had on my hands so I can focus on good health.  If I'd pushed myself more, my treatments would've been delayed more due to colds, or even worse, pneumonia!  Patience has truly paid off.  Chemo done, good health back, moving forward! ;)

                  

  

Laughter…the second best medicine

Laughter is the second best medicine…next to chemo of course! :)  I think being happy is different from having fun and laughter, though the latter contributes to happiness.  I can't say much if chemo did affect my temper coz I've been quick-tempered and irritable ever since, haha.  During this time, there was a conscious effort to stay positive everyday.  When all 3 oncologists said how important being positive, stress-free, and happy was,  I listened.  I took that to heart.  Since I was stripped off things I had to do, I was able to focus on being calm and happy.  

Having someone with me almost everyday helped a lot.  I had someone to talk to, assurance that everything's fine, and that if I suddenly feel something, I can easily go to the hospital.  If no one was around, I went to Facebook to chat with friends, or have long talks on the phone.  

On most days, I'd go out.  Oh yessss, shopping!  Those days, I wasn't wandering aimlessly through the mall like before.  I had a quest for the most unique scarves, hats, shades and earrings.  And what's more important, I discovered the church on top of Landmark so I was able to go to mass before malling!  

On days that I couldn't sleep and be wide awake by 4:00 am, I'd wait for 5:00 am, wake up Mark, then walk around our loop.  Sometimes, we'd walk the dogs then go to mama's house, have breakfast there, and hang out a bit.  

When the kinect came, I'd dance or do sports when I was up for  it.  Friends were welcome to drop by our house anytime,,,and they still are ;)  Impromptu drives used to be an adventure for me…they still are, but during those days, they became more of a mood booster whenever I was feeling down and couldn't seem to snap out of it.  

Since my design skills were next to nonexistent at that time, I took what was left of my creativity to cooking and baking.  Being in the kitchen is instant gratification because within an hour or so, I get to plan, execute, and see the end product!  To me, this was the only time I felt productive.

Having a clean, organized, and beautiful atmosphere calms me.  From fresh flowers, to new sheets or even just an aired out room made my day.  It was more of enjoying things that were always there that I never used to appreciate as much.  Instead of getting bored, I focused on being grateful for what I had…TIME.  "Me" time, time with family, qt with Mark, time to exercise, time to catch up with friends, etc.  It was a time for relationships, with myself and with others.  It was definitely not a time for productivity.  When I recently got the Wego...when I started this blog...got the book from Goldy...I thought to myself:  I should've done these things when I was on chemo and had NOTHING to do!  NOT!  I was on chemo brain and I wouldn't have functioned as well.  I would have pressured myself to be creative, come up with words to say, or meet personal deadlines.  I would've beaten myself up and felt stupid if I didn't do good.  I could've felt bad and more depressed than ever!  So I guess, everything does come at the right time.  And now that chemo is over, I have time to live my life :)

So, to recap, bottom line is, be happy no matter what other people or you say to yourself.  Do what feels good! :)                   

FashOWN it!

Even if I had loooong hair last year, the idea of cutting it short was ok with me.  I was afraid of getting bald because I might not have the perfect shaped head for it.  Early on, I decided to have my hair cut short (a bob) right after the wedding to "ease into" the transformation.  Two days before my 1st session, I had it cut shorter, ala Miley Cyrus.  I read somewhere that a lot of women get depressed at the sight of falling hair.  I mean, who wouldn't?  Getting large clumps of hair while combing your hand through it can really be nerve wracking. Then finally, 2 weeks after my 1st session, my hair started falling.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be, but it was making a mess of my pillows.  Then, when I'd take a bath and dry myself, hair would stick to the towel and my body, leaving me all itchy like I had an allergy of some sort.  So I decided to drop by Xavi's old barber shop on my way out.  There they trimmed my hair with a clipper using the #3 setting.  I loved this haircut!  Slowly, my fear of my head shape was fading away! :)  Unfortunately, there were still tiny specs of hair on my pillow, so a couple of days later, I had Mark shave everything off.

When my relatives heard that I was about to have treatment, Auntie Jojie sent me her wigs, head cover, and some scarves she used when she had chemo.  I also got 2 more, one I never used.  The others I used once or twice.  It was summer and extremely hot.  I can't stand wearing the wigs.  And once I put it on, I have to wear it until I go home coz it leaves garter marks on my head.  I had to be conscious that I don't mess it up.  So, I finally gave up using them.  I embraced being a baldy :)  It's funny how some people reacted to my "new look".  Some people got right away that I was undergoing chemo, some thought it was a fashion choice, and some retards thought I was just crazy for sporting that look!  Either way, the last two reactions were very much welcome coz it meant I didn't look sick ;)

Instead of wigs, I focused on hats, caps and bonnets.  They kept my head cool or warm.  My head got very sensitive when I was bald.  A short time under the summer sun made my head feel like a hot pan was placed on top of it.  At night or in airconditioned areas, it sometimes got too cold for my head, it felt like brain freeze or a headache was starting to progress.  All of a sudden, I had a new collection! :)

Another accessory I grew fond of were infinity scarves.  I loved how versatile they were.  I've been easily prone to getting cold ever since, and now that my neck's all exposed, I needed some sort of security blanket.  I have regular scarves but find them bothersome coz it keeps falling.  I can't wrap it around my neck coz it will be too hot.  And then came the big earrings!  I didn't own a lot or use big earrings before coz they'd just get caught up in my long hair.  So many pretty earrings to choose from!  I felt my head was too plain without any hair on it.  So when I wasn't wearing a hat, I'd put on some big earrings.

Lastly, since it was summer, I gotta wear shades!  It was just too awesome to resist.  I think losing the hair pushed me to be bolder with my fashion choices, be more open to new things.  Instead of feeling off, I took being out of my comfort zone as a challenge.  I accepted that this will be how I look for the meantime, surely I can do something with it?!  I guess this comes front my statement early on: I don't want to look sick or dying.  I don't want to look "kawawa".  Oh, and I guess the best accessory above all is a SMILE :)  Weeks after, the people who saw me at the hospital right after my operation told me that it was nice to see me smile again…Was it that bad??  How did I look like?  I told Mark he should've taken a photo of me so I know what I looked like.  I must've look liked hell for them to say that! hahaha!