Fatify the AnorexiKat

As I was bending to reach clothes on the lower shelf of my closet this morning, I realised it was so easy...effortless!  I suddenly remember last year when it was such a pain to reach that lower shelf.  I was already contemplating on having my closet reconstructed, cursing the contractor that sold us this house for such a lousy closet layout.  Now those days are gone.  I realise it was the weight I gained, specifically that big midsection.  Maybe it was the lack of exercise or chemo side effects, maybe.  Regardless of what the reason was, I am happy that I've trimmed down to the 140s (lbs) and size 10.  I feel great whenever my shorts start falling off, hahaha!  This only means I get to go down another size :D  I've been a shopaholic my entire adult life but one section of that stopped early this year.  After doing my spring cleaning and deciding which clothes to keep and give away, I divided what I was left behind into 3 groups: NOW SHOWING, NEXT ATTRACTION and COMING SOON...ones that I wear NOW, the transition clothes that I wear as I lose the weight, then finally the clothes that I had when I was my ideal weight.  I'd tell everyone that I'm off shopping for clothes whenever we're out, I do my shopping in our guest room where my old clothes are stashed away :)  Disclaimer (since I know some friends and family will react):  this does not keep me from getting new shoes, bags and accessories ;)  

2014

I got sad when I saw my old clothes, seeing how big I've become.  I also finally admitted to myself that I was indeed anorexic before.  Even if I was so thin, I saw myself as fat whenever I'd look at the mirror.  I was always on a diet, trying to shed another 5 pounds or dress size.  Wearing that body and clothes looked nice, but I doubt if my doctor's test results would've looked the same.  Back then, I was always feeling something bad...head aches, tummy aches, eye strain, etc.  I always had a stash of medicine in my purse for whatever emergency type of pain I was feeling.  It was the diet, the lifestyle, the bad habits.  Definitely not good!

2015

I told Flip that I wasn't losing much weight but my clothes are falling off.  She said don't mind the weight, going down a dress size or two means that your getting fit.  Then Mark suggested, why not get one item of clothing from your coming soon stash and let that be your peg.  When that fits perfectly, then you've reached your ideal weight/size.  That was a good idea but I had a more visual peg in mind.  My goal isn't to "fit" perfectly into some dress, because honestly, a good dress can hide all those flaws.  I want that bikini body I once had!  I wanna be able to go to the beach anytime and wear a bikini without having to cover it up with a kimono or top.  The shorts and bikini I wore on this photo fit me now BUT it doesn't look the same, the curve is replaced with bulges =O So really, Mark's suggestion does not apply :( 

I am healthily inching my way towards that goal.  I try not to lose my patience because I am aware there is a fast and proven way to achieve it.  I've tried and tested it, but no, not anymore.  That was the old me.

It doesn't matter how slow, I will get there.  I visited my doctor 2 weeks ago and she was a little alarmed that I lost 8 lbs since january.  I go "Huh?  Is that bad?"  Maybe I just look thinner than I weigh.  She said, as long as I lose the weight through exercise and proper diet it's fine, but not too much.  We don't wanna stress my body.  Oh, and that's another thing we talked about...When I went to the doctor I had a cold and felt like I was about to get the flu.  I didn't get much or no sleep at all 2 days before going to the doctor because I was working on a design presentation.  I told her this and she said I need to get some rest.  When I stress my body, my immune system goes down and that's bad because I'm prone to several diseases and illnesses.  On the way home, Mark and I were talking about this definition of stress.  Apparently, stress on the body is making it work overtime.  It's not just about the psychological, emotional and mental state of being.  So even if I wasn't feeling stressed while working on my presentation, I was stressing my body because it was was past bedtime.  So just because you're having fun doing something, doesn't mean you're not stressing your body.  Then I go to Mark, "Just like when you're drinking alcohol and having fun, it feels ok because it relieves mental stress BUT it stresses your liver and other organs".  Ugh, stress, in general, is such an ugly thing.       

    

All Selfish

 We are all selfish bastards. For every action we make, there is a certain need, purpose, or want that is satisfied...and more often than not, this is our own. I am tired of cleaning the house and fixing things. Well, other people don't seem to mind, but I cringe at the sight of all that fur from the dogs that I choose to clean it. I don't like eating junk food or fast food so I prefer to cook my own meals. I am very keen on designing homes, making sure the measurements are right so I do that myself too. Seeing how critical I am about certain things, I stop myself from complaining of all these tedious tasks. In a perfect world, I would like to clone myself so while the other me does all the chores the way I want them done, I can focus on the other things that do not feel like work. 

On top of the personal preferences, there's self image that I think is based on how others see us. There are days that I'd love to go out without having to spend so much time on my hair and figuring out what to wear. Or times that I have to be at an event and be all smiles even when I don't feel like it. Sometimes I say I'm doing it for other people, to make them happy, hence the effort. Am I? Reeeeally??? When all that becomes an effort, I think it becomes insincere. It turns from "I wanna do this from the bottom of my heart" to "I'll do this so they'll be proud of me" or "I'm not a flaker" or "I'll show them I'm strong", etc. I'm not saying this is wrong. I'm actually having this dialogue with myself so I don't complain and realize that I ALWAYS have a choice in whatever I do or say. And it's about being able to live with those choices...may it be a dirty kitchen or an angry friend. 

It's such an irony that being selfish shows how much I care, for others and myself...When selfishly looking good for others so they'll be happy, and, well, self preservation.  I say this because I remember the time I was recovering from my surgery. It was the first (and hopefully the last) time I went under the knife. The pain was terrible! I had a catheter, a sort of wire on my back for the morphine, and a healing incision under my navel that's about 4" long. It was very uncomfortable and to top it off, the morphine was making me dizzy and nauseous! I couldn't eat. I'd throw up after 2 sips of soup. And that pain in my belly, twas like dysmenorrhea plus gas plus ulcer plus IBS times 10! I really wanted to die or sleep until the pain was gone. I didn't want visitors because I knew I couldn't fake it. I didn't want to. I didn't have the energy to deal with the pain and smile, chat or be hospitable to guests. I didn't even care to look at my phone and the internet for days (a miracle in this day and time;)). I didn't care if my hair was all tangled up and haven't taken a bath in days. I didn't care if male doctors saw my private parts. I just didn't care about how I looked like to other people. All I cared about was having the pain taken away, fast! 

Is Azure Paradise an impossible dream?

It takes a certain amount of patience to deal with people, circumstance and events that I naturally do not have. I easily get irritated and annoyed with a lot of things that contribute to my stress. It is something I'm constantly trying to address these days since people always remind me to keep away from stress! On one side, there are things I release (or explode is more like it) right away because I realized it's better to let it all out rather than carry it as a burdening grudge over my shoulder. This could very well apply to family, a friend or someone who I feel has done me wrong. I will either instantly scream, argue or ignore this person just so the message is clear: I AM MAD AT YOU. Oftentimes this goes to pass right away but on instances that it doesn't and I am obligated to make amends, I will wait for the perfect time to talk to this person, with a sort of editted version of what I wanna say just to ease the blow. Left raw, my words cut like a knife and hurt like hell, as some people have told me. So yeah, my silence truly is golden, treasure it and the amount of self control I put into it for your own good. That said, I admire Mark for being so diplomatic all the time. Hopefully, I can acquire that trait from him through time. One conversation with Raeann got me thinking. She said she's like diesel, it takes some time before a conversation or event gets to her.  There are times when she'd get furious a day or two after because she realized she should've said this or that.  I'm somehow the same but it's okay. There are matters that could've gotten worst if I didn't bite my tongue.  It is truly wise to choose my battles and be polite rather than carrying a mouth filled with verbal diarrhea. So excuse me if that day comes that I do lash out at you. It only means that you probably consumed all my patience! Strike three!

Some of this comes from a meeting I had with fellow Azure unit owners and the others came from, well, others.  I am thankful for those that see our efforts to help Azure become a peaceful and happy community. I am thankful for those who understand that we are not employees, nor are we getting paid for these efforts. We are neither pro PMO, pro STL, nor anti STL, etc. We are just here to facilitate. Because, in a nutshell, this really just started out as me being outraged with how unfair the PMO has been, together with the poor security and concierge. As of now, everyone thinks we are pro-STL ONLY. So here comes everyone else trying to sabotage our efforts, screaming at the top of their lungs, being rude, complaining that we're not doing our jobs?? What?!??? Well excuse me, it is EVERYONE's business to make an effort with us to make OUR COMMUNITY pleasant. Creating further turmoil doesn't help our cause nor does it help solve issues. Now that we are aware of the problems, can we please move forward and come up with helpful solutions? Is it really impossible? 

Read My Blog

I received 2 insulting compliments in this lifetime that I will never forget: One was from Aaron, "Akala ko dati blonde ka", and the other from Mark, "For a person who doesn't read, you make a lot of sense".  The comment from Aaron was a half compliment coz it meant I was pretty BUT the downside was the underlying meaning of blonde...d-u-m-b!  Then goes Mark's comment.  I didn't see anything wrong with it at first but when I told Sandy about it, there came her violent reaction, then Mark bashing.  Hahaha!  In both cases, I saw the positive side of what these 2 people realised about me.  It may have taken months or even years for them to see but I'm happy they saw the real me.  I am not a chatterbox.  I often find it tiresome to talk and talk.  I sometimes find some topics lame or redundant that I'd rather not engage and waste my energy.  It's always easier to just be funny and chill when hanging out with people.  On one of the times I was featured on TV, my dad commented on how talkative I was.  Well of course I talked my heart out, the host kept asking me questions that I needed to expound on :)  I will talk non stop if needed or when I see fit...Now that's where the problem lies!  When talking with people, I sometimes get lazy all of a sudden then ask someone else to tell the story for me ("Ma, tell them bout the time we went to Caliraya" or "Mark, tell them what happened when we got to the hospital") or wait for everyone else to arrive so I don't have to keep on repeating myself.  Then there comes prejudice that maybe he won't understand this or maybe she already knows that.  I guess that's the charm blogging has on me...I type it once, then I can tell people to just read it.  If they want more info, they can ask me and I'd be delighted to explain and give a (boring) detailed account of what has transpired. 

AZURE HEAVEN TURNED HELL

Earlier this evening as we were heading out SLEX, I realised myself getting stressed and anxious as I saw Azure.  What used to be a haven of relaxation for me, my family and friends, has now become a source of anger and unease.  I am very displeased with Azure's PMO!  What used to be minor irritations have become all out feelings of disgust and outrage.  It began with small annoyances like:

1. Security guard as we enter Azure merely stops us and asks for our unit number and name while writing it on SCRATCH PAPER.  Upon turnover, they asked for the plate numbers of our cars.  So I ask, WTH was that for? Where's the guard's list for cross reference?  Or better yet, why not issue car stickers instead??

2. Upon entering parking, they will ask us for the unit number and unit owner's name again.  Then what? No cross reference! No nothing.  So WTH was that for???

3. Upon entering the lobby, they will ask for the same details AGAIN!  At this point, I think the receptionists should have an idea of who the unit owners are. The first few months after turnover, they kept asking for the move-in form which we accomplished with the turnover people.  I expected them to be more organised than this since they have different departments to handle everything.  Apparently NOT.  No coordination at all!  You expect us to do that for you or go through the hassle of going to their office and accomplishing that form again???

4. Those stupid baller ID's upon registering for pool use that we have to return or else suffer the fine of php500.  Haven't you guys heard of those waterproof paper bracelets?? I'm sure those cost less and if you happen to charge us a measly php20 to cover that cost, it's better than the HASSLE of those baller ID's.  And btw, where do those php500 fines go?

5. Poor concierge at the Paris Beach Club.  Poor verbal skills, poor hospitality, poor appearance!  If PMO likes to boast of Azure being a high end destination, I suggest they hire people to play the part! And what's with the attitude??  I believe these receptionists aren't in any position to snub ANYONE...guests and unit owners alike.  I wonder if this is lack of experience, breeding or just plain proper direction from their superiors...which I later found out to be true.  I guess they were just following the examples set by their bosses.

These things, to me, are ''small'' annoyances that I can forego since it's just a matter of personal preference.  That just maybe it isn't really the SOP of most establishments.  This was until a couple of days ago when I was approached by fellow unit owners from Azure regarding a memo that clearly struck a (BIG) nerve and caught everyone's attention.  

Upon seeing this, I was pissed.  I thought to myself: This is so unfair!  Is this even legal???  So I sent this, along with other documents I had to Aggy so she can review the validity of all this.  From there, we composed a letter that I handed to Ms. Flores, Asst. General Manager.  

Before heading to her office, Hernan, from our Azure group, asked if he can come with me so I said yes.  When we got to Ms. Flores' office, she was there so we sat down and spoke to her. This is how it went (what I posted on fb, reported what happened in the meeting to fellow azure unit owners):

Ok, where to begin...will try to remember key points discussed before commenting...

Chris where'd you get the memo? She (ms flores) was defensive that this hasn't been released yet and that they're only implementing the membership card come may 1st which is php150 at cost.

The membership card is based on the allotted number of unit owners per unit (ex. 3 for one bedroom) so that those bearing this will no longer need to register.

Ms. flores opened a powerpoint file while we were discussing all these...

She said the allotted guests has been misunderstood so therefore it's really just 1 guest for 1 bedroom, and not 4 at a time.

Note that they are really pushing to eliminate airbnb or daily rental at azure. There were examples in the powerpoint showing airbnb postings that were done in poor taste...then she refers to one post in tagalog at php2500/night. She said they even came across a blog bashing and complaining about azure. There was an incident of a guest wearing a duster at the swimming area and when dissuaded by the guard, yelled, "ay nagbayad ako ng 1500 dito! etc" thus, making a scene. There were even couples caught having sex on the beach, stairways, etc. caught on cctv that they'll be glad to show us as proof. Then she goes about how some unit owners living in azure are complaining that they want to use the amenities but couldn't because the beach was overcrowded. I told her that's just a handful of unit owners since majority aren't living there or even in the philippines. 

When the powerpoint passed through the 2000-2500 guest fee, I commented: "ang bastos naman ng 2500 na guest fee na yan" then she just said that's the reason for the "orientation" this saturday, to discuss and gather feedback from homeowners. (Why call it an orientation when we haven't really agreed to anything yet???)

We already started discussing these things as we sat down so I handed the letter I had at the middle of the conversation.

Hernan posted some comments about maintenance then she said that's why pmo is implementing this...to avoid delapidation of facilities and fall of real estate value. (hello! isn't that their job? to use our money/monthly dues for maintenance of azure?!)

Paper bracelets will replace the baller bracelets soon. I also mentioned the car stickers and she wrote it down. Then she mentioned one unit owner suggested they rent out tables for say 5k per day to guests just so "hindi sila pakalat-kalat".

Ms. flores said there's just too much people. That's when Hernan mentioned being there during holy week and asking reception how many guests were there. It was 900, not even half of the 2000 turned over units. She kept on mentioning their worry of overcrowding and maintenance but didn't they foresee that? That's when I told her my example...if I was there with my family, there'd be 3 of us. And if we lived there, we will definitely use the amenities EVERYDAY. When we're not there and I have guests over, there's only 2-4 of them, 2-4 DAYS a month! It's the same amount of people so why are they complaining? That's when I brought up the Novotel article. She said, baka sa north yan. I said, no, it specifically said bicutan. Then she said she doesn't know anything about that.

After all the explanations, she said "that's why I'm surprised with the violent reaction of some unit owners". I then said, we react violently coz for the longest time, ok lang kami ng ok but now this is just too much!  

-----end of fb post-----

Exclusivity of Azure amenities to unit owners only, you say? Here are the articles:

http://manilastandardtoday.com/mobile/2014/11/23/accor-launching-six-hotels-go-hotels-to-open-nine-outlets

C'mon! WTH is this???  You have NO IDEA that this is happening?  You're gonna open a HOTEL to share OUR amenities EVERY DAY and yet we are supposed to limit our guests???

As far as maintenance goes, we are paying php120/sqm per month for our units plus php1500 for parking PLUS other quarterly fees.  I believe this should cover whatever maintenance expenses you're whining about!  

    

Bottomline azure employees, DO YOUR JOBS!  Seems to me that you've been spoiled with how seldom people walk in or use the facilities that the few times you were flooded with people, you blame and make unit owners responsible (suffer) for your INCOMPETENCE! 900 people, one holiday, then you give us this!  Do you forget how many buildings are yet to be built and occupied in Azure?? Smarten up folks and get your asses in gear!

Ardat Lile

The monster woke up and decided to knock on my door. Its treacherous grin masked with a fairy's sweet smile. Ignoring my better judgement, I let it in with arms wide open. I was seduced by the devil's deceitful songs and false rhymes.  Only to wake up drenched in mud and an abyss of terror.  I plead for release but it's too late now. Its talons deep in my spine, while its fangs spread poison on my veins. As the rainbow fades to black, I pray for rain.  Rain to wash away the darkness and dirt from my peers' eyes.  So they can see what lies beneath this villain's veil, and escape the massacre to come.  As I lay down with my last breath, I accept the fault of my careless choices, hold deep regret and curses.  I pity the ogre that doesn't sleep and can never find peace, for it lives in its own horror and will never live happily ever after. 

Negative results = Good vibes

Have I been a good girl the past few months?  I am guilty of some late nights, unhealthy food and lack of exercise...so I dreaded the results of my tests.  My last check up was in August 2014.  I thought the next check up was 6 months after, but apparently, it should've been after 3.  So, come my first checkup after a looooong time, Dra. Cocos asked me to get some tests done: pap smear, ultrasound, sonomammogram, and ca125.  I managed to get the pap, ultra and ca125 done within the day.  I had to wait for a couple of days to get the sono done since the technician wasn't there that day.  Instant gratification with the ultrasound and sono coz they told me right there and then that I'm okay and there's nothing to worry about.  It was my first time to get a sonomammogram and they kept asking me if I've had a mammogram before...Never.  They kept on saying that I should get a mammogram first before getting the sono, but when I showed the doctor's request, they gave me the song anyway.  It was my first time so I didn't know what it was.  It's just like ultrasound but focusing on the breast.  She put some gel and basically thoroughly scanned my chest area.  From the left armpit, up and down, to the breasts, to the right armpit.  I was very relaxed because the technician was a lady and was talking to me.  Although I'd get scared whenever she paused at an area, stop talking, and ogled at the screen.  After she was done, she said, "You're clear.  There's nothing to worry about." Whew, that's a relief!  I was happy and didn't mind having sticky breasts after! Hahaha!

We came back a week after to get my dreaded ca125 results and meet with Dra. Cocos again but when we got there, the results weren't ready yet.  It got held up because of the long weekend when the Pope arrived.  Another week passed (which is today), we came back.  Mark and I were half wishing the result wasn't there yet but when the lady handed it to us and I saw my score, we sort of shrieked a little and giddily went out of the lab.  

I really didn't worry about the pap smear results because I didn't realize how important it was until Dra. Cocos read the results to us.  I thought it was just one of those tests that women regularly have to see if they have yeast infection or something.  Yeah, that's how ignorant I am about these things because once upon a time I hated going to the doctor/hospital to have myself checked.  It's never too late.  Fortunately, the pap results were very good as well!!!  So we were all very happy.  I felt like a million bucks!

What next? Clarifying every how many months do we really need to go back for a check up. We settled at 4.  Dra.'s parting reminders: stay away from meat and sweets!  She never gave me any maintenance meds or supplements after my last chemo because she'd always say, "kumakain ka naman"...hahaha, pretty obvious with the figure and fb posts I guess.

I still can't get over my ca125 score. It feels like getting a 1.00 grade in UP, that's how I feel!  Now, how do I maintain it?  I feel so inspired to get a lower score that as soon as we got to the grocery from the hospital, I loaded up on veggies and fruits.  I feel so energized that I'm looking forward to exercising tomorrow morning.  And yeah, I'm ready to give up beef and pork again.  Wattaday!  :)