Before the
onset of the long weekend, I was working on this post when water spilled all
over my laptop! I was furious that I had
to redo this, but thankful that I was only on question number 2. Nikki forwarded this questionnaire to me
months ago and I find that now is the perfect time to answer it…
My idea of
perfect happiness is the absence of everything I hate or dislike. It is not a perfect ending or summit to be
reached at one point of my life.
Instead, it is any given moment that everything seems perfect to
me. It can be as simple as time alone in
my room, temperature just right, no worries, and no physical pains. It can also be moments of laughter with Mark
and Xavi or a sumptuous lunch at Tagaytay with mama and papa. It doesn’t have to be picture perfect
either. It can be celebrating the end of
my chemo sessions with family and friends…inspite of my baldness and weight
gain. I guess it’s a frame of mind. I used to think perfect happiness would come
when I’ve achieved all my goals: a successful career, a house, a car, getting
married, having children, and so on…but I realized life is just too short. Why wait for that tomorrow that might never
come? Why wait to achieve this or have
that just to be happy? Live in the
now! Perfect happiness need not be so
grand, it can be as simple as taking a looong shower after playing
badminton.
My greatest
fear was crossing narrow bridges…I still fear it, but it’s definitely not the
greatest. My greatest fear is
death. This isn’t about fear of what the
afterlife has to offer, but fear of what will happen to those I leave
behind. I am scared of what will happen
to Xavi when I’m gone. I want to see him
graduate college and get accepted in his first job. I wanna be there for him if he gets his heart
broken or needs to nurse a bad hangover.
I wanna see his perfect happiness unfold. I want to be there to support and take care
of him until the time he can really stand on his own. This comes from imagining how my life
would’ve been without the support of my parents. I am so grateful they’re still young and in
good health. I don’t know how I could’ve
gone through the past few years without them.
I hate my
tongue…it can go on and on and say the most hurtful things. I used to think it was my temper but I
realized that I can get pissed and not lash out at the people around me. I can blow off steam in other ways that do
not involve others…workout, walk out, cook, a LOT of other things except nag
and talk.
I used to hate
slow people, with some exceptions of course (like pwd’s and senior
citizens). This usually occurs in
restaurants, cashiers, slow cars, etc. especially when I see there’s no reason
to be slow. I am impatient that
way. Mark and I have this mantra, we do
not line up for food. Number one, it’s a
waste of time. Number two, we’re here to
spend money on your restaurant/establishment and this is the first thing (bad
service) we get? Forget it. But now, what I hate most about some people
is their incapacity to be sensitive.
Having gone through the past 2 years, I’ve had a lot of emotional and
psychological lows. Hearing insensitive
things hurt me, then make me angry. How
can you tell me I’m fat instead of say how glad you are that I survived
chemo? How can you tell me that we lost
Luna because we weren’t married yet, and God hasn’t blessed our union?? Ugh!
I used to
admire my lola when I was younger.
Seeing how she raised 4 kids on her own (my lolo died when my youngest
aunt was still a baby), put them in good schools, managed her own business, and
was still glamorous. All this faded away
when I got older, realizing that success doesn’t equate to happiness. To me, it doesn’t matter how successful a
person is or how many friends he has if he has bad relationships with his
family. This is a deal breaker. I believe that if I can’t get along with my
family (the people I’ve lived with since I was a child), then something’s wrong
with me. If I can’t get along with them,
chances are, I won’t be able to get along and live with other people. Of all the people I know, I admire Mela. She has shown me that you don’t have to go
through all the crap I went through to be understanding and sensitive. You don’t need to get married and have a
child to be responsible for other people.
You don’t need to be greedy even if you’re ambitious. She is strong to a point that I want her to
cry sometimes, just coz she deserves to have a break and I want to be on the
receiving end for a change! Hahaha J
I used to
splurge on designer bags as a form of investment but now I challenge myself to
bigger things. My greatest extravagance
right now is getting a new car. We don’t
really need it coz we already have 3, and my other car is fairly new. So why get this car? To me it’s a symbol of career growth. Living comfortably and having everything we
need makes me lax. Seeing this new car
will remind me of the monthly payment and urge me to work more.
I am currently
‘’thinking big”. Thinking of ways to
make more money, more happiness, more quality time, more ways to live a fuller
life. I used to distance myself from
stress, so I went for simpler and little things. But I still got the big C. So now it’s time to be more responsible and
disciplined, it’s time to grow up.
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