Forgive & Forget

The song goes, time heals all wounds…i beg to disagree!  Some people say I am unforgiving and carry much grudges.  What is forgiveness really?  What does it mean?  Forgive and forget?  Apology accepted?  Being civil?  Flashing a smile at the other person?  Befriending them on Facebook?  I don't really know any real formula here.  It's a mix of a lot of different things.  To me, it's how I felt at the time it happened.  My chemo was miraculously easy, so I tend to forget about some details and that I was ever that sick.  So I've been carelessly enjoying the holiday season, feasting on sweets, junk food, staying up late, and even having some alcohol.  And now that my check up is near, I again fear of what results my blood test will show.  Post chemo, I was tremendously hurt by some close relatives.  Now THAT, I haven't forgotten nor forgiven just yet.  I was ready to boycott X'mas eve dinner and fortunately enough, they weren't here for the holidays.  I guess the universe has a way of altering things for me nowadays just to avoid turmoil and confrontation.  There was also someone I didn't want to invite to the wedding that became a large issue because it wasn't dealt with properly.  Sometimes, it shows lack of breeding and being the bigger person but honestly, why should I suffer in my own wedding  by bending over backwards just to be nice to someone who clearly hates me?  Why should I be uncomfortable in a place or event that's supposedly for our enjoyment?  I recently thought about 'forgiving' these people to start the year right.  To let bygones be bygones and have no ill-feeling whatsoever.  But during this process, I was actually suffering more because I didn't feel I was ready to let go.  I was torturing myself by making me think that I am wrong and that i should be the bigger person and be ok with everything. To be understanding, giving, and forgiving.  But I can't.  I think I need an apology or even a small sign of being sorry for what they did.  And besides, as long as I don't need to see or deal with them, I'm fine.  It's not like I'm carrying the burden on my back everyday.  Like Lily in How I Met Your Mother, I've coined the line, "you're dead to me".  It simply means, in my world, I'd like to believe that you do not exist.  When I told Mark about this dilemma, he assured me that I was doing fine.  If letting go of those sentiments are making me suffer, then maybe it's not yet time.  There have been a lot circumstances like this in my life.  Friendships lost, then found again, while others lost forever.  I sometimes get furious at someone then, like a goldfish, forget about whatever it was and it's back to normal.  There's a certain line between being irritated or pissed and being hurt.  And I've seen that I get "hurt" when I'm disrespected in any way: disloyalty, backstabbing, lying, etc.  I find it more stressful to "keep enemies closer" so I just throw them as far away as possible.

I talk about this now coz I realize how important every minute of my life is.  It's not the same as being in good terms with everyone just to have a clean slate, but truly having a wonderful time with those who are willing to share that same experience with me.  I don't wanna waste time and space on things and people that harm me.  Time to let go of my outdated views, and therefore, expectations on family.  Keep, donate, throw...I guess my spring cleaning overextended to the people in my life, haha!