Confidence, or lack of it, is something I've been struggling with the past few months. It had a big impact on me, my morale, my way of being. I lost confidence in getting good news…that I will get through whatever medical tests with flying colors. That I will never be a victim of a serious disease. I thought, if I didn't make myself present or aware of cancer, I will never have it. If I distanced myself from people who do, I will not attract it in my life. Yeah right! How will the law of (un)attraction work when I lived in unhealthy bliss? I stayed away from watching drama or local soaps where there's always someone crying in almost every scene like every single moment of their lives was a tragedy. That didn't help either. When disaster came, keeping my eyes dry was a total effort. I realized early on that prayer and having faith in God gave me strength. Now THAT really helped. Verses from the Bible, the rosary, novenas, meditation books, and even cliches brought in some much needed appeasing.
Confidence in my appearance was degraded whenever I'd get bloated and moon faced. The loss of hair and weight gain was totally dragging me down. I hated looking in the mirror when I wake up in the morning. After taking a bath, putting some makeup and accessories, no difference, I still hated it. Nothing I wore looked nice on me. I had to accept that I had a big belly even if I wasn't pregnant. There's this bulge when I look in the mirror sideways. The height of my obesity was after my last chemo session and I was shopping for something to wear to my chemo grad party. I got clothes from the plus size department for the first time in my life. I was so frustrated that NOTHING looked good on me even if I already got clothes from there! Since it was labeled "plus size", shouldn't those clothes be a little flattering for people with my built? Instead, it was hugging at the wrong places, fabric made bulges show more, and prints were just, blah, ugly! I felt worst coz it got me thinking I was so fat, the plus size clothes are too small for me! In the end, I wasn't able to buy anything. I got a skirt, pulled it up to my chest, and wore a kimono on top of it…and that's what I wore to my party!
I also struggled with confidence of my intellect and creativity. The slowness of how I process things in my head, some lapses in memory, inability to focus, and absence of creativity were some of the things that bothered me. I wanted to see and talk to people but I often felt stupid. It felt like I didn't make much sense, like my thoughts were so unorganized and segmented. There was the insecurity of self image plus security itself. I used to drive alone to wherever I wanted or needed to go at whatever time I pleased. This time around, I felt I always needed a companion. I didn't wanna go out alone or even drive. I was scared.
I didn't suffer from much pain during my chemo sessions so maybe that's why I had the time to ponder on all this insecurity. I thank God that he just gave me this to deal with. If I had both, I would've gone crazy, lost hope and given up. There were times that I gave in to all those negative emotions and chose to be alone, not go out, see and be seen by people. It was a mix of insecurity, self-loathing, shame and depression..."Why did I allow myself to gain so much weight? Why didn't I exercise? What the hell was I talking about? What a waste of time!" What helped me during those times were friends and family that gave me an overdose of assurance. I didn't have a formal cancer support group but the people around me were more than equipped to handle me and all my complaints. April & Greg shared a lot of tips on coping with the effects of chemo. Aggy was my early morning chat mate. Mela came whenever she was in Manila. Flip, Stef & Domz dropped by to hangout, food trip or play kinect. Mama looked after me whenever I was home alone. Papa made sure we went out on weekends. Facebook chat mates sent me words of encouragement. Xavi and Mark made sure I felt loved and safe. It helped that people really knew me. Regardless if I was on chemo or just having a bad day, they knew what would make me laugh or make me stop worrying. It didn't matter if they were trained to handle a survivor's crisis. What mattered was, I knew they were there to help, period.
I'm glad that I'm slowly regaining momentum and confidence. I'm driving again. I started with going alone to Sucat, then Fort, then Pasig, then QC. Now I feel I'm back. I can drive to anywhere again! Confidence is also coming back…I get to work, create things, wear some of my old clothes, meet up with friends, multitask, etc. I appreciate a lot more now, some things I've taken for granted in the past.
No comments:
Post a Comment