6:27 am
Mark just left for his Bacolod flight and I haven't planned anything for the morning but write. Well, plus the fact that when I joked RD to make a teleserye out of my story, he asked for my journal. So now I realize this thing can be more helpful/productive in more ways than one. So better write now lest flashbacks and details become less lucid.
Met up with the Songs last night as they carry great news! Diana's pregnant! :) They were supposed to go to Paris for a short honeymoon last week but then Diana's feeling the symptoms and decided to move it till their 2nd trimester. I wanna go to Paris this year! Right after my chemo ends! I'm done with my 2nd session, 4 more to go. I do treat chemo as my friend, as Greg advised. They say I should have something to look forward to so that I'll be happy and "fighting". My happy thought was I'd be done by April 30 with all my sessions but because I had colds on the week of my 2nd session, everything got moved. I got a little pissed and depressed that time coz I was hoping to go to Boracay and enjoy the end of summer there with friends.
Chemo, on the other hand, has been kind to me. I love the way Dra. Cocos handles me. We would get admitted in the hospital the day before, run some blood and urine tests, take some oral meds, then spend the night there. I am very thankful that mama and Mark are always there for me. I feel so confident, loved and safe. It feels as if we're checking in a hotel every now and then. Papa always has dinner with us there too. The following day, we wake up at 4:30-5:00 am so I can have breakfast and bathe before I get IV'd at 6:00 am. At 9:00 am, the doctors come to administer the first medicine via IV. This takes 3-4 hours to finish. They would stay for the first hour to see if it has any adverse side effects on me. We are very glad because there's none! :) The only ugly effects are the needle marks of the IV and blood test. There's an hour's rest after the 1st med, then the 2nd med is administered. This takes only about an hour. After this, we're done! We get to leave the hospital and go home at around 5:00-6:00 pm.
Side effects…my hair finally started falling off last January 31. Shortly after that, I asked Mark to shave my hair off. It's cool, I have no qualms with it. Just need to wear a bonnet when I sleep coz it's cold. I've been gaining weight and looking plump. I know I can't blame it all on the steroids coz I know I've been pigging out like hell!!! :O Plus I've got tons of meds and vitamins all day everyday. It's okay. I'd rather suffer from puffy face than feel down and depressed. I just slap on a wig whenever we go out and I'm feeling so fat and bloated.
All in all, I've only had 1 bad day and 3 not so nice mornings. That's a good number for me. I have nothing to complain about. I feel so lucky. I cannot stress enough on how grateful I am for having all the support I can get from family and friends. I even made a separate journal for 'things to be grateful for everyday'. From prayers, greetings, messages, phone calls, visits, and gifts, I am very blessed and abundant everyday. It also helps that I am able to stop working, so I really have nothing to stress about.
It is also amazing how social media/internet works. Even acquaintances who've been seeing my posts have taken time to message me and even send me gifts. It truly is touching to know how I inspire and move other people in my own little way. All these things keep me going everyday. I KNOW I AM CURED. All these sessions are just precautions just to make sure it doesn't come back and everything is G-O-N-E if we did miss something in the operation.
But don't get me wrong, it's not all daisies. There are days when I have ill feelings and negative thoughts too. It starts with one bad nerve that spirals down…turning to sadness, depression, then rage. There are times when I wanna scream at the top of my lungs and break things…like see and hear glass crashing after I throw them. It comes from the thought of: "Why me? Why us? Why, why, WHY?!?!?" And it's not only because of the operation or chemo, but it's also about Luna. Mark and I were supposed to have a baby last February 2013 but lost her on November 2012, a week before my birthday. She was 6 months when I gave birth to her. Mark was in Bacolod for work at the time but good thing we were living with my parents. I woke up with a slight pain in my belly. I thought I was just hungry coz I skipped dinner so I had a piece of bread. After a while, it became more painful and I realized it were contractions. Luckily, mama was there, so we went to the hospital. It was 6:00-7:00 am rush hour. We came from Better Living Paranaque to Polymedic. I was rushed to the o.r. and was in a lot of pain. When the nurse was going to i.e. me, she saw the placenta was almost out. They checked for a heartbeat but couldn't find any. When my OB finally arrived, we labored and pushed for the baby to come out. It was still a normal delivery. Only when I was in the recovery room did I realize we lost the baby, and cried. It was terrible. There have only been a few deaths of people close to me and this is the closest one I've lost. It was a hard pregnancy coz I've been on bed rest for almost the entire 6 months. We just had to look at the ''brighter side'' of things. That if Luna had lived, she wouldn't have been normal because it was too early. I pushed that we have a proper burial for her. I was too weak to be at the wake but we were there for the funeral. Her remains lie beside my Kuya Mark Dale who was also premature when mama gave birth to him.
Two weeks after this, Mark and I moved to our new house. At this point, I was already feeling a bit lost…too many things going on, too fast, too soon. Like there are mornings I'd wake up disoriented: Which bed am I on? Where am I? Am I still pregnant? If not, where's the baby?
Not long after, we started prepping for the wedding. So it's really been a FAST roller coaster ride. Seemed like there was no time to just sit down, absorb everything, mourn, then move on. But then again, who has the time? I look at the strength and wisdom of our parents and are very thankful for their love and support. I guess I just fall weak sometimes and give in to these emotions and memories. These are times I feel overwhelmed. Times when I pray double time and look for every happy thought I can hold on to.
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