Taking out the trash

I used to get excited once the BER months arrive coz of the weather, my birthday, and Christmas. It's the time of year when I am or feel abundant...projects pay off, balikbayans arrive, gifts come flowing in (and out), people seem nicer, trips materialize, parties, etcetera, etcetera...

But now, it seems that I've been traumatized by the past 2 years. There's this fear lurking at the back of my head that something bad is bound to happen whenever my birthday's coming up or there's something wonderful planned.  I've always believed and preached that worrying doesn't help at all because there's no action involved, just thoughts. Worrying comes before or after the fact, but doesn't play a vital role at the moment I'm actually there or doing it.  So now, I keep on repeating this to myself whenever I'm worried.  Plus, of course, practice what you preach Kat!

Nowadays, I find myself whining and complaining a lot. I feel sluggish, easily disheartened or lose interest, tiresome, sensitive,,,or just plain sick and tired of it all! Early 2012 I got pregnant, 6 months bed rest, lost our baby in November, recovered, work again, got sick for weeks in November 2013, operation on December, chemo from Jan-June 2014...now what???  All momentum (and savings) lost, time to rebuild again. I've been a freelance interior designer eversince I graduated. To me, being freelance doesn't mean it's easier...it entails more passion and discipline because NOTHING will happen, I won't earn anything, if I don't move and put my heart into it. There are times when I just wanna apply in a call center or small office where I'd go to work, do what I'm told, then go home, not having to think about work the minute I finish my shift.  But then again, that's not the solution because the problem is ME. 

Mark tells me to take it one day at a time but I fear that I've taken too much time doing that, and at such a sloooow pace.  I pray every night for guidance. I try out and do those small ideas we have (perfume, bazaar, boucle, accessories, etc).  I push myself to accomplish something everyday, but I feel it's not enough.  We all pride ourselves for being a certain someone who's like this and that. We put value on different things that give us a sense of accomplishment.  Mark used to gague himself with his workout and how strong he's become. He also puts value on learning new things and skills. Mine is plain and simple: Me = how much money I make.  THAT is how I can give Xavi a bright future. THAT is how I can help other people in need. THAT is how I can be no burden to anyone...So now, I feel like TRASH.

I applaud the people around me who are very understanding and patient with what  I am and what I'm going through. There's no need to worry, I'll be back soon ;)